Blue Christmas, why??

It is 4am and I am still awake. It doesn't matter that last night we were up until 1:30am putting together a dollhouse, workbench and high chair for the little ones and then got up at 6:30am with the kiddos and D to check out Christmas gifts...I am still awake. It was a kind of sad Christmas today (well, technically yesterday, but since I havent been to bed, it still feels like Christmas day). Drew was sick all day long. My sister and her husband had car trouble and couldn't make it to be here with us. My mom had something come up and we can't see her or my littlest sister tomorrow (or today, however you look at it). We got some bad news about a friend. My grandma had two strokes. All on Christmas. I was feeling uber sorry for myself and was having panic attacks tonight when it hit me: I am being so incredibly self centered. It's CHRISTMAS, and I should be celebrating the birth of our Savior!! He suffered so much more than I ever will so that I will be able to be with our Father in Heaven when my body fails me. He surely didn't have to. I definitely don't deserve His love, grace and devotion, let alone for God to send His only Son to die for my own sins. I am so thankful and blessed and here I am feeling sorry for myself...not cool! God has an amazing plan for me and my life, just like He does for everyone else and I am so thankful for that. I need to stop trying to control everything, like I always do (thanks to being too anal and an obsessive planner) and I need to surrender my life to Him. It's so hard for me but whenever I try to take the reigns from Him, I fail miserably! We may be going through some struggles right now but in the big picture, they're no biggie! Christ's love is enough for me, and man that love is a beautiful thing :-) I need to count my blessings: a loving and devoted husband, three BEAUTIFUL children (one of which had his first Christmas today...yay!), a nice home, the freedom that I enjoy from being a part of the country that I live in, knowing so many wonderful fellow brothers and sisters in Christ, and the list could go on and on. As I count my blessings, I need to work towards being a blessing to others, showing how amazingly powerful God's love truly can be. I want to spread the good news, the beautiful story of Christ and how He came to walk with us to teach us how God would have us to live, to show us what grace really means and to show us the nature of our Heavenly Father. He never fails me and I want to be so much more than I am for Him...I want to be a bright light for our Lord! So here is my prayer for this early morning in which I have not slept a bit :-) I pray that I am continually and joyfully praising the Lord in all things, the good and bad. I pray that I never become so complacent in my life and faith that I stop trying to learn more about God, to become closer to Him, to be a light for Him. I pray that I stop being so self centered and focus on God's plan for my life instead of my own. I pray that D and I continue to work on our marriage and to put Christ in the center of it. I pray that we can be a good example for those whose marriages are struggling to see that God really can get a marriage through anything and can create a continually strong bond between a man and a woman devoted to Him. I pray that my children see God's love in me as I raise them to fear the Lord. I pray fervently that they become believers, our brothers and sisters in Christ. I pray that my family stays healthy and strong so that we can have the energy to serve the Lord in all that we do together. I pray that God will use me and my family to bring others to know Him and to strengthen marriages and families through our actions and devotion to Him. Goodnight all, and I hope that you all have had an extremely blessed Christmas, even if it seemed a little blue :-p God is good all the time and all the time, God is good!

God's Slap on the Behind

I have been so complacent lately. We have been struggling in a couple of ways but haven't told many people. It's not as bad as it could be but it is very uncomfortable and instead of drawing nearer to the Lord, I have been struggling with my selfishness. I want to know "why me" but, well, God gave me a little slap in the behind to straighten me up today. We learned of our pediatrician's loss of her sweet baby boy. He was only a week or so old and as I look at baby Oscar, our healthy sweet boy born only a little over a month before her baby and see that he is healthy, breathing and thriving, my heart breaks for her. I cannot imagine the pain that she and her husband are going through and nothing can prepare a person for that. I am reminded how incredibly selfish I have been in the last few months or so. We may have no money, and we may be struggling but we are SO VERY BLESSED by God to have what we do have. Three beautiful children and a happy, healthy marriage...if we don't have all of the possessions in the world, we do have these things and most importantly we have our relationship with Jesus Christ, the Savior that made our lives worth living.

Strife with our parents, siblings, friends...none of it is worth being angry over. A lack of funds is no reason to fuss and fight with each other. Nothing is worth saying unkind words, thinking ugly thoughts or pushing others away. This is a time to think of how we can be a blessing to others instead of thinking of ways to make our own lives better. The Lord has His plan and it may not be what we want but it surely is much more beautiful than our own plans for our lives could ever be. It may be painful at times but He is so loving and kind and gives so freely the grace that gets us through and draws us nearer to Him that the pain is worth the beauty of God's love and our relationship with Him.

So I am thankful that God has opened my eyes to my selfishness and has shown me just how blessed I am. I am also thankful that He has grabbed me by the shoulders and redirected me so that I can work towards helping others anytime that I can instead of dwelling on the stress that occurs in my own life. What is stress??? I just know that God is with me and therefore I can breathe a little easier no matter what circumstances I may go through.

Dr. B, we are praying for you, your husband and your family. May God's grace and peace comfort you and may you know that you are very loved and appreciated.

Whatta Man, Whatta Man, Whatta Mighty Good Man...that God created for ME :-)

I was laying in bed this morning as Drew was getting ready for work. He, as usual, surrounded me with pillows to put under my HUGE belly and behind my back and between my legs so that I could be comfortable without him to drape myself over. Usually I am half asleep when he does this and don't think about it but this morning I was wide awake (thank you Oscar Felix and your happy, busy, kicking self!) and it made me think of all of the little things that he does for me that make him the most amazing man that God could have created for me.

Now this sounds like I am just tooting his horn but this came right after a funny moment last night. My husband is a great one, but he's not perfect. He has his little selfish moments. We were taking a bath together and as usual, he helped me get up and then asked me which towel I wanted. I said that I didn't care and he handed me the brown one and he took the burgundy one. Then I realized why he handed me the brown one...it was damp! I looked at him and just started laughing. He HATES wet towels and so he gave me the damp one so that he could have the dry one. When I told him why I was laughing he totally didn't get it. I love that he's not perfect and has a selfish streak every here and there! Sometimes it irritates me how GOOD he is...he is the epitome of a good Christian man, leading his family by the Bible, encouraging us to put Christ first and showing us how this should be done. He is never ever angry but disciplines our children with a firm but loving hand. He is supportive of me on my bad days and man does he do a great job of handling me when I am cranky and frustrated. No one else could ever EVER be with me like he is and it's all thanks to our almighty Heavenly Father!

So hopefully you can understand why it tickled me that Drew gave me the damp towel on purpose because he didn't want to dry off with anything other than the bone dry one. He did switch them when I told him why I was laughing but that wasn't what I wanted to accomplish. I wanted him to know that I love him, flaws and all. He sees his flaws much more than I do. Typically he points out his downfalls and I smile because his downfalls to me are so precious...they make him my husband! We disagree on some things but overall we work so well together that it is obvious that we were made for each other. I see my flaws much more than he does (although another funny part of the bathtime last night was telling him how funny he is when he finally gets fed up with my rants about the house being a mess or about how tired I am because he does this little GRRR and throws up his hand and walks away which always ALWAYS makes me crack up no matter how crabby I am!!!) and he loves me for who I am as well.

I love this Bible verse because it reminds me of the many reasons I am glad that God has put marriage and family on my heart as an area of ministry that I would like to work in (alongside of Drew, of course :-p):

Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm but how can one be warm alone? ~Ecclesiastes 4: 9-11~

Our relationship, to me, is summed up in how we labored together with both Sebastian and Leighlah (and hopefully Oscar's will go like this as well). I was in pain but didn't want to hurt him by showing it. I tried to be strong but he reminded me that he was there as my husband to love me and that he understood if I cried out or squeezed his hand a little too hard. He encouraged me and supported me, gently guiding me through the pain as my body knew what to do with this baby. I thanked him and treated my precious husband with respect as I labored on. He was there every step of the way with me and I was grateful for him. I delivered our baby, one that God blessed us with and Drew kissed me and told me that I did a great job. I thanked him over and over again for being such an amazing support system and for loving me as God would have him to love me. We then rejoiced in what the Lord had given us and together celebrated our Christ centered family that He so graciously trusts us with.

Again, neither of us is perfect but somehow in those moments we showed each other true love and respect as well as a dedication to our marriage, family and to Christ. What is better than having a husband, a LIFE partner (not just a sometime partner) that supports, loves and encourages you unconditionally while you respect, love and support him unconditionally as well??? Two certainly is better than one!

I am so thankful that God created us for one another. I truly believe that God created this one person perfectly for me and me for him and that no matter what paths we may have taken we would have ended up together anyhow. God put us together exactly in His time and I am thankful that every relationship either of us had before the end of August 2007 didn't work out no matter how much it hurt because it lead us to each other (FINALLY!!! We were 4 1/2 years in the making!). So thank you Lord for my sweet and caring but non-perfect husband and all of the ways that he makes me better (because he truly does make me better!). I can only hope that I am half the wife to him as he is the husband to me.

The most awesome SOLID ROCK

I know that I haven't written in awhile, but every time I come close I feel like I'm only going to write out of a necessity to keep my blog going. This isn't totally the case tonight, although it is somewhat...I didn't want anyone to think that I forgot about my faith walk with Christ and about sharing it with others, I've just been so busy that I haven't had a moment to truly write something worthwhile or uplifting. I did want to share a short post today and it's because I saw some very discouraging things online tonight, mostly to do with family and I felt so down but all of a sudden for no apparent reason except that God wanted me to hear it, I started humming the song, "Christ the Solid Rock." The main part of the song says, "On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." The world may get me down sometimes...it's a scary place and the people in it will constantly hurt and disappoint us- it's just a part of our sinful human nature to do so but I refuse to let it get me down. I don't want to be discouraged but instead lifted up and this song reminded me that I've always got Christ. He's my foundation and I adore how He can lift me up so VERY high just through a wonderful verse in the Bible, a song created to praise Him or even just a nice breeze on a sunny day. Call me cheesy or silly if you want to but our God is amazing in His ability to show us His love and devotion even in our darkest hour. So much good comes out of all pain and suffering that it's impossible not to be thankful in all things and so when I think of the things that I saw online tonight that hurt my heart so much I feel cheered when I think about the fact that God is working through those things to make something much better happen. What a nice thought!

My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.
When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand.
ALL OTHER GROUND IS SINKING SAND!!!!!!!!! :-)

For my friend

Today is the birthday of a friend that we lost a couple of years ago. He was two years younger than me and such an amazing person. Everyone loved him because he was kind and generous to everyone that he met. He had the best smile and gave the BEST hugs in the entire universe. When I met S we were working together, him as a DJ and me as a waitress. He was so confident and funny and I loved chatting with him about relationships, school, work and just life in general. He used to crack me up because anytime we'd talk and he needed advice, I would give him mine but then he'd end up giving me advice in return. I loved that everytime I saw him, whether at work, around town, on campus or at the mall where I worked after the restaurant he would just come up, give me a huge smile and pick me up and hug me so good that no matter what my worries were, I felt better.

I'm just sad because I never asked if he was a believer. As a Christian, that should have been a conversation that I had with a good friend but I was too wrapped up in my own selfish life to have that one with him. His death is a constant reminder that I need to share my faith with all of the people that I meet and it may push others away but if it means that I have helped one person come to know Jesus Christ as their Savior then it is well worth the risk. I love the Lord and will shout it from the rooftops and will share it freely. Thank you Lord for keeping me close and reminding me to continually be a light for YOU. S, I miss you and although your death was difficult, and still is, I am glad to have the memories that I have of you and I am thankful that God has a plan and that your passing was just a part of His plan. I have learned from you and will always have love and respect for you! Missing you bunches!

Your Hands

I know that I've been writing about the baby that we lost so much lately but this has been the biggest challenge to my faith and my Christian walk since Drew and I got married and began walking with Christ full time (not just when it suited us). Let me preface this post by saying that I know that it could be worse. I know that my struggles are nothing compared to others but they still hurt nonetheless. It doesn't help to hear that others never could conceive, others have lost more than one baby or lost a baby way farther along in the pregnancy. It doesn't help to hear that my suffering is nothing compared to this situation or that, conception related or not. It still painful and I'm still selfish and want it to feel better- not tomorrow, not in a month or a year but right here and right now. That's my sinful side taking over but it wouldn't be an honest blog about my personal walk with Christ if I never talked about my angry and bitter thoughts, my sadness and my fears and just wrote hopeful words of encouragement. I am a hopeful and positive person in general but even I get down sometimes and have ugly thoughts and feelings. I just have to remind myself that God never said that it would be easy, He just said that He would be there and I know that He's here right now, being ever so patient with me as I feel the things that I am going to blog about tonight. Please, reader, try and be patient with me as well because I promise that it's not all negative and there is a point to my sorrowful and bitter words.

I have this ache. It's the ache of my empty womb that should be filling out right now. It sounds stupid to you but it's an ache that I'm very aware of and that is also taking over my heart. I've always wanted kids, a huge family with tons of love to go around. When Drew and I were dating we both talked about having at least four kids and that hasn't changed. We planned and wanted the angel baby that we lost and when we went through that loss I may have had fleeting thoughts of not trying again or waiting a long time to try and conceive but they were just that: fleeting. Both of us wanted to try again as soon as we were able and the OB said that after one period returned we were fine to work on conceiving again. I'm a healthy woman and my body bounces back well from pregnancy and so it was in great shape to try and have another baby after the loss.

So for that first long, anxiety ridden month after the d&c we used protection and hoped for a future with another little one. When I had my period after the d&c it was a great day because it meant that we could try to get pregnant again. Then I was late for my period this month and took a pregnancy test and just like that, it was faintly positive. I knew I should be scared to get my hopes up but there was that faint pink line and I just felt deep in my heart that I was pregnant again...that line doesn't show up without HcG levels in your body and I had tested a week before I was due to be sure that there was no HcG left from the miscarriage and there hadn't been; therefore, this was from a new surge of pregnancy hormones. I wasn't going to tell Drew but I can't keep secrets from him. He was also excited although a little more reserved because he didn't want to go through another loss. We talked about it and decided that I would test again in another week and see what happens.

Then this morning at church I started to bleed. It was like someone squeezed all of the air out of my lungs and sliced at my heart. It was so painful to me emotionally that I couldn't teach Sunday school...Drew taught our class without me. I was surprised at my composure because I didn't cry right then and there. I waited until after church when we were putting the kids into the car and Drew knew that something was wrong. He hugged me and the floodgates opened. I couldn't even look at the newly pregnant woman at our church that I do admire so much because she's a wonderful Christian. I was too angry to look at her...unfair and wrong, I know, but it was there and it's the raw truth. Then Drew found out that his best friend from high school is also expecting. She's lost a baby too and I have been hoping she would try and get pregnant again and prayed for this regularly yet when he told me today, the day that I started bleeding after a positive pregnancy test, I was angry all over again.

I beat myself up for these thoughts all of the time, although I know that's just as sinful as having them. I know that I need to give it to God and let it go and I have the knowledge that He has a plan but it's so hard to lead my heart down those paths of thinking. Trust me when I say that most days I feel the hope and joy of God's grace and love but today was just not one of those days...it was one of those days where I have to keep telling myself that He loves me (which he does, and I don't deserve that love) and that He has a plan for me that's greater than my own and it's one of those days where I have to work on my faith and trust in God. Today I just wished over and over again that I didn't want a large family, that I didn't feel that pull to be pregnant again and that I didn't feel like I was called to be a mother first and foremost. I wished that Drew and I were like others who only want one or two children, if that, and are completely content in that. If he just blesses us with the two that we have then I know that we are more blessed than we ever deserved but I have that ache and it just doesn't want to go away.

Now here's the part where I let you know that I am working to overcome this anger and bitterness. Satan is trying to win my heart but I won't let him, I just won't. God puts music in my life when I need it. I've always been drawn to music and He always knows what I need to hear and when. This song was posted on facebook for a friend of mine that is battling breast cancer and I thought that it was appropriate for my situation as well. It started playing in the car on the way home from church not thirty minutes after I started bleeding. It's called "Your Hands," and it's by JJ Heller. Here are the lyrics:

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

What an amazing song to help me put my feelings into perspective! He is a very loving God and knows my sorrow. He also knows my anger and bitterness and even though my anger and bitterness hurts Him, He still holds me close and lets me know that it will all be okay. I can't help but smile at those thoughts. I am such a frustrating child to Him, I'm sure. I'm so stubborn and want to just control things but I know that He's just going to gently guide me along the way to His path for my life. I know that He is showing me His grace everyday and that these trials are just meant to show me His plan for me and to bring me closer to Him. He loves me more than I can even comprehend and I am so thankful for this life that He has given me, even though it's difficult at times. I know that He will take my pain away and I know that this life is just temporary and that living for Him has great rewards in Heaven...so even if it hurts now, it will be amazing when I'm with him at Home. So I'm going to continue to lean on Him, even when I'm crying tears and aching like I am. I'm going to lean on Him more now than I ever have! I am going to strengthen my relationship with Him, talk to Him more and enjoy His presence in my life even if it's not always easy. He is #1 in my life no matter what and hey, if it means that I have to go through heartbreak and hardships, it's okay. He's carrying me, I'm in His hands and that's more comforting than anything else could be.

So here is my prayer for now:

Show me God, your ways. Show me your plan for me and help me to be patient while it unfolds. Help me through this heartbreak and help me to lean on You in all things. Help me to become a better Christian and help me to use my pain to help witness to others and bring them to You. Help me to feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me and help me to know that You love me, no matter what trials I may face. God please rid my heart and mind of anger, bitterness and selfishness and fill it with love and compassion for others as well as a trust in You that never ends. I love you Lord and thank you Lord for all the many blessings that you have given me. Amen.

Thanksgiving day

It's been a rough day. I'm so thankful for the many blessings God has given me and I love celebrating it all with a great meal and family time on one of my favorite holidays: Thanksgiving...but I'm just receiving more reminders of our little baby that we lost. I feel as though I should be "over it," but it's still tough. Little reminders...a new person expecting and making their big announcement on facebook (and my own selfish anger that we aren't allowed that, that our announcement of our precious little one was that we lost her), little baby girls and boys on tv and my flat tummy when it should be getting bigger...I guess I just thought it was getting better but then I feel hit with a new wave of sadness that the baby isn't coming. I am truly thankful that we got that short time with our little one, that we got to talk to it and that Drew got to kiss my tummy and tell our baby that we love it so much but I just have tears in my eyes thinking that this Thanksgiving day I should be eating to my heart's content as morning sickness would be just now passing and that I should be wearing maternity pants and a cute top to show off the bump that I would be acquiring. I am so thankful to have God to lean on and I'm thankful that our lives were touched and changed by our little baby but I am more than a little sad that we don't have that little baby to look forward to holding in our arms. I just have to keep remembering that God has His plan and that He is looking out for us. I am so very thankful for the miracle of the two babies that we have because they are beautiful and healthy and full of life and love but I'd be lying if I didn't hope that we are to be blessed with more to love and cherish right there along with S and L. So here's a blog that is dedicated to healing, love and a hope for the future. I can only pray that I will keep the positive outlook that I've tried to hold on to, that I can be happy for others who are blessed with the little lives that they carry and I can remember fondly this short pregnancy and precious life that although we lost, we also learned so much from. Thank you God for giving us that little gift and I love you, my precious, sweet little angel baby!