I was laying in bed this morning as Drew was getting ready for work. He, as usual, surrounded me with pillows to put under my HUGE belly and behind my back and between my legs so that I could be comfortable without him to drape myself over. Usually I am half asleep when he does this and don't think about it but this morning I was wide awake (thank you Oscar Felix and your happy, busy, kicking self!) and it made me think of all of the little things that he does for me that make him the most amazing man that God could have created for me.
Now this sounds like I am just tooting his horn but this came right after a funny moment last night. My husband is a great one, but he's not perfect. He has his little selfish moments. We were taking a bath together and as usual, he helped me get up and then asked me which towel I wanted. I said that I didn't care and he handed me the brown one and he took the burgundy one. Then I realized why he handed me the brown one...it was damp! I looked at him and just started laughing. He HATES wet towels and so he gave me the damp one so that he could have the dry one. When I told him why I was laughing he totally didn't get it. I love that he's not perfect and has a selfish streak every here and there! Sometimes it irritates me how GOOD he is...he is the epitome of a good Christian man, leading his family by the Bible, encouraging us to put Christ first and showing us how this should be done. He is never ever angry but disciplines our children with a firm but loving hand. He is supportive of me on my bad days and man does he do a great job of handling me when I am cranky and frustrated. No one else could ever EVER be with me like he is and it's all thanks to our almighty Heavenly Father!
So hopefully you can understand why it tickled me that Drew gave me the damp towel on purpose because he didn't want to dry off with anything other than the bone dry one. He did switch them when I told him why I was laughing but that wasn't what I wanted to accomplish. I wanted him to know that I love him, flaws and all. He sees his flaws much more than I do. Typically he points out his downfalls and I smile because his downfalls to me are so precious...they make him my husband! We disagree on some things but overall we work so well together that it is obvious that we were made for each other. I see my flaws much more than he does (although another funny part of the bathtime last night was telling him how funny he is when he finally gets fed up with my rants about the house being a mess or about how tired I am because he does this little GRRR and throws up his hand and walks away which always ALWAYS makes me crack up no matter how crabby I am!!!) and he loves me for who I am as well.
I love this Bible verse because it reminds me of the many reasons I am glad that God has put marriage and family on my heart as an area of ministry that I would like to work in (alongside of Drew, of course :-p):
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their labor. For if they fall, one will lift up his companion. But woe to him who is alone when he falls, for he has no one to help him up. Again, if two lie down together, they will keep warm but how can one be warm alone? ~Ecclesiastes 4: 9-11~
Our relationship, to me, is summed up in how we labored together with both Sebastian and Leighlah (and hopefully Oscar's will go like this as well). I was in pain but didn't want to hurt him by showing it. I tried to be strong but he reminded me that he was there as my husband to love me and that he understood if I cried out or squeezed his hand a little too hard. He encouraged me and supported me, gently guiding me through the pain as my body knew what to do with this baby. I thanked him and treated my precious husband with respect as I labored on. He was there every step of the way with me and I was grateful for him. I delivered our baby, one that God blessed us with and Drew kissed me and told me that I did a great job. I thanked him over and over again for being such an amazing support system and for loving me as God would have him to love me. We then rejoiced in what the Lord had given us and together celebrated our Christ centered family that He so graciously trusts us with.
Again, neither of us is perfect but somehow in those moments we showed each other true love and respect as well as a dedication to our marriage, family and to Christ. What is better than having a husband, a LIFE partner (not just a sometime partner) that supports, loves and encourages you unconditionally while you respect, love and support him unconditionally as well??? Two certainly is better than one!
I am so thankful that God created us for one another. I truly believe that God created this one person perfectly for me and me for him and that no matter what paths we may have taken we would have ended up together anyhow. God put us together exactly in His time and I am thankful that every relationship either of us had before the end of August 2007 didn't work out no matter how much it hurt because it lead us to each other (FINALLY!!! We were 4 1/2 years in the making!). So thank you Lord for my sweet and caring but non-perfect husband and all of the ways that he makes me better (because he truly does make me better!). I can only hope that I am half the wife to him as he is the husband to me.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Thursday, February 10, 2011
The most awesome SOLID ROCK
I know that I haven't written in awhile, but every time I come close I feel like I'm only going to write out of a necessity to keep my blog going. This isn't totally the case tonight, although it is somewhat...I didn't want anyone to think that I forgot about my faith walk with Christ and about sharing it with others, I've just been so busy that I haven't had a moment to truly write something worthwhile or uplifting. I did want to share a short post today and it's because I saw some very discouraging things online tonight, mostly to do with family and I felt so down but all of a sudden for no apparent reason except that God wanted me to hear it, I started humming the song, "Christ the Solid Rock." The main part of the song says, "On Christ the solid Rock I stand, all other ground is sinking sand." The world may get me down sometimes...it's a scary place and the people in it will constantly hurt and disappoint us- it's just a part of our sinful human nature to do so but I refuse to let it get me down. I don't want to be discouraged but instead lifted up and this song reminded me that I've always got Christ. He's my foundation and I adore how He can lift me up so VERY high just through a wonderful verse in the Bible, a song created to praise Him or even just a nice breeze on a sunny day. Call me cheesy or silly if you want to but our God is amazing in His ability to show us His love and devotion even in our darkest hour. So much good comes out of all pain and suffering that it's impossible not to be thankful in all things and so when I think of the things that I saw online tonight that hurt my heart so much I feel cheered when I think about the fact that God is working through those things to make something much better happen. What a nice thought!
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.
When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand.
ALL OTHER GROUND IS SINKING SAND!!!!!!!!! :-)
My hope is built on nothing less
Than Jesus’ blood and righteousness;
I dare not trust the sweetest frame,
But wholly lean on Jesus’ name.
When darkness veils His lovely face,
I rest on His unchanging grace;
In every high and stormy gale,
My anchor holds within the veil.
His oath, His covenant, His blood
Support me in the whelming flood;
When all around my soul gives way,
He then is all my hope and stay.
When He shall come with trumpet sound,
Oh, may I then in Him be found;
Dressed in His righteousness alone,
Faultless to stand before the throne.
On Christ the solid Rock I stand,
all other ground is sinking sand.
ALL OTHER GROUND IS SINKING SAND!!!!!!!!! :-)
Friday, January 7, 2011
For my friend
Today is the birthday of a friend that we lost a couple of years ago. He was two years younger than me and such an amazing person. Everyone loved him because he was kind and generous to everyone that he met. He had the best smile and gave the BEST hugs in the entire universe. When I met S we were working together, him as a DJ and me as a waitress. He was so confident and funny and I loved chatting with him about relationships, school, work and just life in general. He used to crack me up because anytime we'd talk and he needed advice, I would give him mine but then he'd end up giving me advice in return. I loved that everytime I saw him, whether at work, around town, on campus or at the mall where I worked after the restaurant he would just come up, give me a huge smile and pick me up and hug me so good that no matter what my worries were, I felt better.
I'm just sad because I never asked if he was a believer. As a Christian, that should have been a conversation that I had with a good friend but I was too wrapped up in my own selfish life to have that one with him. His death is a constant reminder that I need to share my faith with all of the people that I meet and it may push others away but if it means that I have helped one person come to know Jesus Christ as their Savior then it is well worth the risk. I love the Lord and will shout it from the rooftops and will share it freely. Thank you Lord for keeping me close and reminding me to continually be a light for YOU. S, I miss you and although your death was difficult, and still is, I am glad to have the memories that I have of you and I am thankful that God has a plan and that your passing was just a part of His plan. I have learned from you and will always have love and respect for you! Missing you bunches!
I'm just sad because I never asked if he was a believer. As a Christian, that should have been a conversation that I had with a good friend but I was too wrapped up in my own selfish life to have that one with him. His death is a constant reminder that I need to share my faith with all of the people that I meet and it may push others away but if it means that I have helped one person come to know Jesus Christ as their Savior then it is well worth the risk. I love the Lord and will shout it from the rooftops and will share it freely. Thank you Lord for keeping me close and reminding me to continually be a light for YOU. S, I miss you and although your death was difficult, and still is, I am glad to have the memories that I have of you and I am thankful that God has a plan and that your passing was just a part of His plan. I have learned from you and will always have love and respect for you! Missing you bunches!
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Your Hands
I know that I've been writing about the baby that we lost so much lately but this has been the biggest challenge to my faith and my Christian walk since Drew and I got married and began walking with Christ full time (not just when it suited us). Let me preface this post by saying that I know that it could be worse. I know that my struggles are nothing compared to others but they still hurt nonetheless. It doesn't help to hear that others never could conceive, others have lost more than one baby or lost a baby way farther along in the pregnancy. It doesn't help to hear that my suffering is nothing compared to this situation or that, conception related or not. It still painful and I'm still selfish and want it to feel better- not tomorrow, not in a month or a year but right here and right now. That's my sinful side taking over but it wouldn't be an honest blog about my personal walk with Christ if I never talked about my angry and bitter thoughts, my sadness and my fears and just wrote hopeful words of encouragement. I am a hopeful and positive person in general but even I get down sometimes and have ugly thoughts and feelings. I just have to remind myself that God never said that it would be easy, He just said that He would be there and I know that He's here right now, being ever so patient with me as I feel the things that I am going to blog about tonight. Please, reader, try and be patient with me as well because I promise that it's not all negative and there is a point to my sorrowful and bitter words.
I have this ache. It's the ache of my empty womb that should be filling out right now. It sounds stupid to you but it's an ache that I'm very aware of and that is also taking over my heart. I've always wanted kids, a huge family with tons of love to go around. When Drew and I were dating we both talked about having at least four kids and that hasn't changed. We planned and wanted the angel baby that we lost and when we went through that loss I may have had fleeting thoughts of not trying again or waiting a long time to try and conceive but they were just that: fleeting. Both of us wanted to try again as soon as we were able and the OB said that after one period returned we were fine to work on conceiving again. I'm a healthy woman and my body bounces back well from pregnancy and so it was in great shape to try and have another baby after the loss.
So for that first long, anxiety ridden month after the d&c we used protection and hoped for a future with another little one. When I had my period after the d&c it was a great day because it meant that we could try to get pregnant again. Then I was late for my period this month and took a pregnancy test and just like that, it was faintly positive. I knew I should be scared to get my hopes up but there was that faint pink line and I just felt deep in my heart that I was pregnant again...that line doesn't show up without HcG levels in your body and I had tested a week before I was due to be sure that there was no HcG left from the miscarriage and there hadn't been; therefore, this was from a new surge of pregnancy hormones. I wasn't going to tell Drew but I can't keep secrets from him. He was also excited although a little more reserved because he didn't want to go through another loss. We talked about it and decided that I would test again in another week and see what happens.
Then this morning at church I started to bleed. It was like someone squeezed all of the air out of my lungs and sliced at my heart. It was so painful to me emotionally that I couldn't teach Sunday school...Drew taught our class without me. I was surprised at my composure because I didn't cry right then and there. I waited until after church when we were putting the kids into the car and Drew knew that something was wrong. He hugged me and the floodgates opened. I couldn't even look at the newly pregnant woman at our church that I do admire so much because she's a wonderful Christian. I was too angry to look at her...unfair and wrong, I know, but it was there and it's the raw truth. Then Drew found out that his best friend from high school is also expecting. She's lost a baby too and I have been hoping she would try and get pregnant again and prayed for this regularly yet when he told me today, the day that I started bleeding after a positive pregnancy test, I was angry all over again.
I beat myself up for these thoughts all of the time, although I know that's just as sinful as having them. I know that I need to give it to God and let it go and I have the knowledge that He has a plan but it's so hard to lead my heart down those paths of thinking. Trust me when I say that most days I feel the hope and joy of God's grace and love but today was just not one of those days...it was one of those days where I have to keep telling myself that He loves me (which he does, and I don't deserve that love) and that He has a plan for me that's greater than my own and it's one of those days where I have to work on my faith and trust in God. Today I just wished over and over again that I didn't want a large family, that I didn't feel that pull to be pregnant again and that I didn't feel like I was called to be a mother first and foremost. I wished that Drew and I were like others who only want one or two children, if that, and are completely content in that. If he just blesses us with the two that we have then I know that we are more blessed than we ever deserved but I have that ache and it just doesn't want to go away.
Now here's the part where I let you know that I am working to overcome this anger and bitterness. Satan is trying to win my heart but I won't let him, I just won't. God puts music in my life when I need it. I've always been drawn to music and He always knows what I need to hear and when. This song was posted on facebook for a friend of mine that is battling breast cancer and I thought that it was appropriate for my situation as well. It started playing in the car on the way home from church not thirty minutes after I started bleeding. It's called "Your Hands," and it's by JJ Heller. Here are the lyrics:
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands
What an amazing song to help me put my feelings into perspective! He is a very loving God and knows my sorrow. He also knows my anger and bitterness and even though my anger and bitterness hurts Him, He still holds me close and lets me know that it will all be okay. I can't help but smile at those thoughts. I am such a frustrating child to Him, I'm sure. I'm so stubborn and want to just control things but I know that He's just going to gently guide me along the way to His path for my life. I know that He is showing me His grace everyday and that these trials are just meant to show me His plan for me and to bring me closer to Him. He loves me more than I can even comprehend and I am so thankful for this life that He has given me, even though it's difficult at times. I know that He will take my pain away and I know that this life is just temporary and that living for Him has great rewards in Heaven...so even if it hurts now, it will be amazing when I'm with him at Home. So I'm going to continue to lean on Him, even when I'm crying tears and aching like I am. I'm going to lean on Him more now than I ever have! I am going to strengthen my relationship with Him, talk to Him more and enjoy His presence in my life even if it's not always easy. He is #1 in my life no matter what and hey, if it means that I have to go through heartbreak and hardships, it's okay. He's carrying me, I'm in His hands and that's more comforting than anything else could be.
So here is my prayer for now:
Show me God, your ways. Show me your plan for me and help me to be patient while it unfolds. Help me through this heartbreak and help me to lean on You in all things. Help me to become a better Christian and help me to use my pain to help witness to others and bring them to You. Help me to feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me and help me to know that You love me, no matter what trials I may face. God please rid my heart and mind of anger, bitterness and selfishness and fill it with love and compassion for others as well as a trust in You that never ends. I love you Lord and thank you Lord for all the many blessings that you have given me. Amen.
I have this ache. It's the ache of my empty womb that should be filling out right now. It sounds stupid to you but it's an ache that I'm very aware of and that is also taking over my heart. I've always wanted kids, a huge family with tons of love to go around. When Drew and I were dating we both talked about having at least four kids and that hasn't changed. We planned and wanted the angel baby that we lost and when we went through that loss I may have had fleeting thoughts of not trying again or waiting a long time to try and conceive but they were just that: fleeting. Both of us wanted to try again as soon as we were able and the OB said that after one period returned we were fine to work on conceiving again. I'm a healthy woman and my body bounces back well from pregnancy and so it was in great shape to try and have another baby after the loss.
So for that first long, anxiety ridden month after the d&c we used protection and hoped for a future with another little one. When I had my period after the d&c it was a great day because it meant that we could try to get pregnant again. Then I was late for my period this month and took a pregnancy test and just like that, it was faintly positive. I knew I should be scared to get my hopes up but there was that faint pink line and I just felt deep in my heart that I was pregnant again...that line doesn't show up without HcG levels in your body and I had tested a week before I was due to be sure that there was no HcG left from the miscarriage and there hadn't been; therefore, this was from a new surge of pregnancy hormones. I wasn't going to tell Drew but I can't keep secrets from him. He was also excited although a little more reserved because he didn't want to go through another loss. We talked about it and decided that I would test again in another week and see what happens.
Then this morning at church I started to bleed. It was like someone squeezed all of the air out of my lungs and sliced at my heart. It was so painful to me emotionally that I couldn't teach Sunday school...Drew taught our class without me. I was surprised at my composure because I didn't cry right then and there. I waited until after church when we were putting the kids into the car and Drew knew that something was wrong. He hugged me and the floodgates opened. I couldn't even look at the newly pregnant woman at our church that I do admire so much because she's a wonderful Christian. I was too angry to look at her...unfair and wrong, I know, but it was there and it's the raw truth. Then Drew found out that his best friend from high school is also expecting. She's lost a baby too and I have been hoping she would try and get pregnant again and prayed for this regularly yet when he told me today, the day that I started bleeding after a positive pregnancy test, I was angry all over again.
I beat myself up for these thoughts all of the time, although I know that's just as sinful as having them. I know that I need to give it to God and let it go and I have the knowledge that He has a plan but it's so hard to lead my heart down those paths of thinking. Trust me when I say that most days I feel the hope and joy of God's grace and love but today was just not one of those days...it was one of those days where I have to keep telling myself that He loves me (which he does, and I don't deserve that love) and that He has a plan for me that's greater than my own and it's one of those days where I have to work on my faith and trust in God. Today I just wished over and over again that I didn't want a large family, that I didn't feel that pull to be pregnant again and that I didn't feel like I was called to be a mother first and foremost. I wished that Drew and I were like others who only want one or two children, if that, and are completely content in that. If he just blesses us with the two that we have then I know that we are more blessed than we ever deserved but I have that ache and it just doesn't want to go away.
Now here's the part where I let you know that I am working to overcome this anger and bitterness. Satan is trying to win my heart but I won't let him, I just won't. God puts music in my life when I need it. I've always been drawn to music and He always knows what I need to hear and when. This song was posted on facebook for a friend of mine that is battling breast cancer and I thought that it was appropriate for my situation as well. It started playing in the car on the way home from church not thirty minutes after I started bleeding. It's called "Your Hands," and it's by JJ Heller. Here are the lyrics:
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands
What an amazing song to help me put my feelings into perspective! He is a very loving God and knows my sorrow. He also knows my anger and bitterness and even though my anger and bitterness hurts Him, He still holds me close and lets me know that it will all be okay. I can't help but smile at those thoughts. I am such a frustrating child to Him, I'm sure. I'm so stubborn and want to just control things but I know that He's just going to gently guide me along the way to His path for my life. I know that He is showing me His grace everyday and that these trials are just meant to show me His plan for me and to bring me closer to Him. He loves me more than I can even comprehend and I am so thankful for this life that He has given me, even though it's difficult at times. I know that He will take my pain away and I know that this life is just temporary and that living for Him has great rewards in Heaven...so even if it hurts now, it will be amazing when I'm with him at Home. So I'm going to continue to lean on Him, even when I'm crying tears and aching like I am. I'm going to lean on Him more now than I ever have! I am going to strengthen my relationship with Him, talk to Him more and enjoy His presence in my life even if it's not always easy. He is #1 in my life no matter what and hey, if it means that I have to go through heartbreak and hardships, it's okay. He's carrying me, I'm in His hands and that's more comforting than anything else could be.
So here is my prayer for now:
Show me God, your ways. Show me your plan for me and help me to be patient while it unfolds. Help me through this heartbreak and help me to lean on You in all things. Help me to become a better Christian and help me to use my pain to help witness to others and bring them to You. Help me to feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me and help me to know that You love me, no matter what trials I may face. God please rid my heart and mind of anger, bitterness and selfishness and fill it with love and compassion for others as well as a trust in You that never ends. I love you Lord and thank you Lord for all the many blessings that you have given me. Amen.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving day
It's been a rough day. I'm so thankful for the many blessings God has given me and I love celebrating it all with a great meal and family time on one of my favorite holidays: Thanksgiving...but I'm just receiving more reminders of our little baby that we lost. I feel as though I should be "over it," but it's still tough. Little reminders...a new person expecting and making their big announcement on facebook (and my own selfish anger that we aren't allowed that, that our announcement of our precious little one was that we lost her), little baby girls and boys on tv and my flat tummy when it should be getting bigger...I guess I just thought it was getting better but then I feel hit with a new wave of sadness that the baby isn't coming. I am truly thankful that we got that short time with our little one, that we got to talk to it and that Drew got to kiss my tummy and tell our baby that we love it so much but I just have tears in my eyes thinking that this Thanksgiving day I should be eating to my heart's content as morning sickness would be just now passing and that I should be wearing maternity pants and a cute top to show off the bump that I would be acquiring. I am so thankful to have God to lean on and I'm thankful that our lives were touched and changed by our little baby but I am more than a little sad that we don't have that little baby to look forward to holding in our arms. I just have to keep remembering that God has His plan and that He is looking out for us. I am so very thankful for the miracle of the two babies that we have because they are beautiful and healthy and full of life and love but I'd be lying if I didn't hope that we are to be blessed with more to love and cherish right there along with S and L. So here's a blog that is dedicated to healing, love and a hope for the future. I can only pray that I will keep the positive outlook that I've tried to hold on to, that I can be happy for others who are blessed with the little lives that they carry and I can remember fondly this short pregnancy and precious life that although we lost, we also learned so much from. Thank you God for giving us that little gift and I love you, my precious, sweet little angel baby!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Love and Memories
So it's been almost six weeks since we lost our baby and I am feeling so very thankful for the healing that God has brought into our lives. I can't speak for Drew, although we share quite a bit and he's experiencing much that I am, but I know that I still have ups and downs. I still see little babies and feel my heart tug at how I should be looking forward to another little one, read about sleepless nights and wish so badly that I would be that sleep deprived again and read about friends feeling their little ones kick them for the first time and it does still hurt. I do know that God is with me though, helping me through it all, giving me peace and comfort when I need it the most. I have so very much to be thankful for and although I miss our little angel baby (that I truly feel was a little girl...don't ask why, I just have that feeling) I am glad that God's will was done with her and that our lives are changing for the better because of it.
All of that being said and done, I have been so nostalgic here recently. I guess it's because I am so content with where my life is right now that I look back on the past to see what has brought me to such a wonderful place. It's definitely been a rocky road filled with bumps, bruises and mistakes that I've made. I was not always someone to be proud of and I did not always make decisisons that were wise. I've acted a fool, I've raised my voice, I've put others ahead of our Lord and Savior and I've definitely hurt myself and others in the process. I also have had those that hurt me in my life, and while some may dwell on those memories as bad and sad, only one word comes to mind when I think of these experiences in my past: FORGIVENESS.
I learned last summer when I was pregnant with baby girl that holding onto the past and not only being angry and bitter with others but also angry and bitter with ourselves is counterproductive. God loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for us, an ugly, lonely and very painful death, so that we could have everlasting life. I know that I couldn't give my son or daughter for someone else, especially someone that hurt me and that is exactly what God did. He loves us SO MUCH that even though we constantly hurt Him by sinning, lying, being selfish and putting our needs and wants above His (and even the best of christians are guilty of this!!!), he FORGIVES US. What an amazing thing, God's forgiveness and grace. Where would any of us be without it? I don't deserve His love and devotion...none of us do! He created us and often we turn our backs on Him for our own selfish motives and agendas. Yet time and time again God is with us, carrying us when we fall, wiping our tears away when we hurt and loving us through the good AND the bad times. I feel such peace when I give him my worries, anxieties and fears. Just a prayer helps give me peace and I certainly don't deserve such devotion from Him yet He gives it to me over and over again.
The point in all of my rambling is that if He can forgive ME, the one that has hurt Him so deeply so many times, then how in the world can I not forgive those that have hurt me? How can I not LOVE them as He loves me??? My goodness, I may have been through tough times but nothing compares to what Jesus went through on the cross so that I may be forgiven. That image in my head of Him bleeding and dying breaks my heart but gives me so much hope that it brings both sad and joyous tears to my eyes. His death on the cross makes it possible for me to be here knowing that salvation is mine thanks to Jesus and it helps me realize that anger, bitterness and guilt over the past all need to be let go and that I need to LOVE my enemies, LOVE my neighbors and LOVE all that are both brothers and sisters in Christ but also those that are lost. I should love them all so much that it breaks my heart if they aren't saved and I should want to lead them to Christ and weep with joy when they see what amazing grace lies in Him and when they Him into their hearts. Isn't it amazing how He can use us for His glory even when we don't know it???
So to everyone in my past, present and future: No matter what you feel for me (love, hate, anger, sadness, happiness, etc) and what we have been through, I FORGIVE you for anything you may have done to harm me and forgive myself for anything that I may have done to harm you. I LOVE YOU, no matter who you are and am THANKFUL for you and your presence in my life. You have made an impact on me, all of you, and have been a part of making me who I am in God's plan. His plan is so amazing and I am thankful that He placed each of you in my life and that no matter what happened between us that He has made our lives more rich and full because of it. I have learned so much from each and every one of you and even if you think that I am angry with you, I am not, and even if you think that I hate you, I never could because there is no room in Christ's love for hatred or anger or bitterness, only love. So again, thank you for being a part of my life and thank you for helping teach me about forgiveness and unconditional love and about being the woman that God would have me to be.
All of that being said and done, I have been so nostalgic here recently. I guess it's because I am so content with where my life is right now that I look back on the past to see what has brought me to such a wonderful place. It's definitely been a rocky road filled with bumps, bruises and mistakes that I've made. I was not always someone to be proud of and I did not always make decisisons that were wise. I've acted a fool, I've raised my voice, I've put others ahead of our Lord and Savior and I've definitely hurt myself and others in the process. I also have had those that hurt me in my life, and while some may dwell on those memories as bad and sad, only one word comes to mind when I think of these experiences in my past: FORGIVENESS.
I learned last summer when I was pregnant with baby girl that holding onto the past and not only being angry and bitter with others but also angry and bitter with ourselves is counterproductive. God loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for us, an ugly, lonely and very painful death, so that we could have everlasting life. I know that I couldn't give my son or daughter for someone else, especially someone that hurt me and that is exactly what God did. He loves us SO MUCH that even though we constantly hurt Him by sinning, lying, being selfish and putting our needs and wants above His (and even the best of christians are guilty of this!!!), he FORGIVES US. What an amazing thing, God's forgiveness and grace. Where would any of us be without it? I don't deserve His love and devotion...none of us do! He created us and often we turn our backs on Him for our own selfish motives and agendas. Yet time and time again God is with us, carrying us when we fall, wiping our tears away when we hurt and loving us through the good AND the bad times. I feel such peace when I give him my worries, anxieties and fears. Just a prayer helps give me peace and I certainly don't deserve such devotion from Him yet He gives it to me over and over again.
The point in all of my rambling is that if He can forgive ME, the one that has hurt Him so deeply so many times, then how in the world can I not forgive those that have hurt me? How can I not LOVE them as He loves me??? My goodness, I may have been through tough times but nothing compares to what Jesus went through on the cross so that I may be forgiven. That image in my head of Him bleeding and dying breaks my heart but gives me so much hope that it brings both sad and joyous tears to my eyes. His death on the cross makes it possible for me to be here knowing that salvation is mine thanks to Jesus and it helps me realize that anger, bitterness and guilt over the past all need to be let go and that I need to LOVE my enemies, LOVE my neighbors and LOVE all that are both brothers and sisters in Christ but also those that are lost. I should love them all so much that it breaks my heart if they aren't saved and I should want to lead them to Christ and weep with joy when they see what amazing grace lies in Him and when they Him into their hearts. Isn't it amazing how He can use us for His glory even when we don't know it???
So to everyone in my past, present and future: No matter what you feel for me (love, hate, anger, sadness, happiness, etc) and what we have been through, I FORGIVE you for anything you may have done to harm me and forgive myself for anything that I may have done to harm you. I LOVE YOU, no matter who you are and am THANKFUL for you and your presence in my life. You have made an impact on me, all of you, and have been a part of making me who I am in God's plan. His plan is so amazing and I am thankful that He placed each of you in my life and that no matter what happened between us that He has made our lives more rich and full because of it. I have learned so much from each and every one of you and even if you think that I am angry with you, I am not, and even if you think that I hate you, I never could because there is no room in Christ's love for hatred or anger or bitterness, only love. So again, thank you for being a part of my life and thank you for helping teach me about forgiveness and unconditional love and about being the woman that God would have me to be.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Little angel baby
This post is so personal for me to write and probably uncomfortable for others to read but I feel as though if I don't do something to get this out of my system, I'm not sure I'll ever truly cope with it.
It's been a week and a day since husband and I left the kiddos with a babysitter and headed out for an appointment that we thought would be filled with joy but instead was filled with heartbreak and defeat. We both saw what the ultrasound technician saw immediately but we hoped we were wrong. The question, "have you been spotting?" rang in my ears as I answered with a numb, "Not at all." I couldn't believe that there was no heartbeat with our tiny little baby...I couldn't even cry because I was so shocked.
This baby was making me crazy from day 1...how could it not have survived??? We found out labor day weekend on accident that we were expecting. We were in the middle of moving from our townhouse to our new home and my friend was worried that she was pregnant. She didn't want to take a test and so I told her I'd take one with her to make her feel better. Hers was negative but mine was positive. Husband and I were both excited since we were ready for baby #3 and just that month had stopped preventing pregnancy. I went in for an early ultrasound because of the higher risk of complications due to my surgery to remove an IUD that had migrated into my abdomen (sign from God that we weren't meant to control when He gave us precious little gifts??). The ultrasound showed that we were only 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant but that everything was developing perfectly. I was so sick, exhausted, dizzy, and just felt plain PREGNANT. I never took anything for morning sickness with the first two little ones because I just thought I'd deal with it (I despise medicine if it's not 100% necessary) but at 5 weeks pregnant with #3 I BEGGED for them to call me something in because I couldn't handle the sickness as bad as it was.
We told very few people (our parents, the preachers and music minister at church, and our CLOSEST friends) because we've always kept it quiet until the first trimester was over. This baby was making me so sick and I was already growing though and so we decided that after the 8 week ultrasound we'd go ahead and tell everyone because it was going to be hard to hide...and then the news. We lost the baby sometime in the previous week. I was still so sick thanks to the hormones in my body and instead of choosing to pass the baby naturally I decided that I wasn't strong enough to go through that and we opted for a d&c that would take place the next day.
I went home and cried my eyes out...we had so many plans for this baby since we'd had a little over a month to think about how excited we were. We knew how we were going to tell everyone (in fact I had a special shirt to wear to let people figure it out on their own), I thought about how the baby would be kicking me during my solo in the Christmas program, and was so excited and looking foward to the beautiful process of labor and delivery. Everyone thinks that husband and I are crazy because we want such a large family but we just have so much love for each other and our children that we want to share it with little ones that God gave us to raise as His little christian soldiers. And now our plans were destroyed and it felt so much like my fault. I know that's not the way I should be thinking because truly most babies that are lost are lost because of a genetic abnormality that makes the baby not viable but so many questions ran through my head: was it because of the IUD surgery? Was it because I wasn't eating enough or drinking enough water? Was it because I carried the kiddos too much and they're so heavy? Was it because I complained about the morning sickness and swore that we were getting "fixed" after this baby because of it? Had I done ANYTHING that caused this loss or made me deserve such pain?????????? I know logically that this isn't the case and that blaming myself isn't the right thing to do but I can't help but feel so lost and powerless.
The d&c went fine. They were super kind and the obstetrician (that I'd only been to two times before the loss) was great. They put me to sleep and when I woke up it was over. Apparently I woke up from the anesthesia holding my stomach and crying, saying that my baby was gone and I wanted my baby back. Husband said that the nurse was so sad for us and I know that it broke his heart...and I know that he feels just as lost and heartbroken over our loss as I do. I don't think that people quite understand that daddys also hurt over miscarriage. He was just as excited about our tiny baby as I was and therefore was just as hurt when we lost that little thing. He's been so amazing and supportive though that it's only strengthened our relationship.
Then there were the two trips to the ER and the admittance to the hospital for a slight infection from the d&c and a ruptured ovarian cyst. That pain was as much as natural transition in labor and I have a high threshold for pain. I was so doped up that I couldn't even think about coping with what all had happened-I only missed my babies and my husband and knew that hopefully soon they'd get the pain and infection under control and I could go home. So now that I'm home and husband is back to work, it's hit me hard...and I'm not sure how long it's going to hurt like this. Is it supposed to last a long time?
I've read that it takes a woman about three months to grieve for a loss like this. So I have to feel the pain in the pit of my stomach and in my heart that I have for another three months? I have to have tears well up at every kind word and prayer and I have to be sad every time I hear another announcement about a baby or pregnancy? I know that this is illogical and that many many other women have been through this but I can't help but still feel alone. People all over the world (and friends of ours) are going through worse or have suffered greater losses but somehow I let my selfish sinful self feel sad and lonely. I haven't talked to hardly anyone on the phone since last week and I really haven't talked to anyone online. When people want to help I smile and nod but on the inside I just withdraw. Compassion makes me break down and I can't fall apart now, not with a husband and two babies to be strong for...but then when some people that we thought were so important in our lives show no concern for us past the original "I'm sorry for your loss," it hurts even worse.
BUT in the midst of the pain and selfishness I do realize just how blessed God has made me. He has shown me who our real friends are and it's amazing how many people love us. I may have had my feelings hurt by people that I thought were close but are truly just superficial friendships but that's okay, maybe it was time for me to see who is important to have in my life and who it is important to love but keep at a distance (see, that's the selfishness kicking in!). Our family, even with it's problems, for the most part have been extremely supportive. We have a wonderful marriage and God has brought us so much closer through this loss...how can I feel so alone when I have the husband that He created for me to serve Him by my side? Husband has been so incredibly amazing, supportive, and encouraging while allowing me to be the same for him. I feel as though we are both making it through first because of God's grace and love and the belief that He has a plan for us and for that tiny baby, but also because we have leaned on each other and supported each other. We also have two playful, joyful, intelligent and wonderful children that we were blessed with. Their smiles, hugs and kisses are so amazing to me and it's beautiful to me that we have such great children. They are worth any pain that we've been through.
Now for the sunshine in the pain. It may hurt to have lost this baby and it may feel sometimes as though I wish it hadn't happened but truly, through the suffering and through the lonesome times, I have had such a peace about everything. I may be sad and hurting but I have not once feared. I wasn't fearful about the surgery, about the hospital stay or even about what was wrong with me when I was in so much pain. I knew that God was with me, that He was protecting me and guiding me and that He has a plan through this all. We have received so many blessings through the loss! We are closer to each other and got some much needed time together. Husband has a new appreciation for all that I do at home for him and the kids after having to take care of us all, and I have a new appreciation for his devotion to us and to God. My goodness, I couldn't ask for a better family! And then we have such a large extended family that we didn't even know we had. We get so homesick for North Carolina sometimes but we are so blessed here in Georgia too! We have friends that have such deep compassion and love for us that we didn't know was there and the best part is, we have that same compassion and love for them! God has worked in our hearts and in our lives and has shown us so much through this experience! We are closer to Him because of it too. I prayed and prayed through this all and mostly the prayer that I prayed was, "Thank you God for this loss because I know that you are working a much better plan for us than we could have imagined. Hold our little baby close to you and meanwhile help us to draw closer to you as well. I love you Lord and thank you Lord for the many blessings you've given us." I haven't been angry and really, other than a few fleeting thoughts, I haven't begrudged those who are pregnant, have never had a loss like this, or who don't understand. Those thoughts aren't helpful because I know that God is with us and it just wasn't His plan for our little baby to be here in our arms. That's okay with me because I know that no matter what, He has just blessed us beyond what I could have ever expected and with Him, whom or what shall I fear???
So it may hurt but I don't mind the hurt because He is molding me and shaping me into the christian that He would have me to be. I appreciate my husband and children even more now than I did before and if He sees fit to bless us with another tiny baby then I will be grateful for the sickness, the exhaustion, the dizziness and any other pregnancy symptom that would come along with another baby. My witness to others is stronger through this loss and I can now help others see Christ in the pain when they experience something like this. And I can't help but think of one of my favorite Bible verses when I think of our little baby:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace.
So it may be our time to mourn, to weep, to lose but He will also give us a time to laugh, to dance and to gain. I just remember that this season is for a reason and that He is working in our lives through it. What else can I ask for than for Him to guide my life and for me to not to have to try and control or worry? He's in control and that is such an amazing fact that I rely on right now...God is in control and I am thankful!
It's been a week and a day since husband and I left the kiddos with a babysitter and headed out for an appointment that we thought would be filled with joy but instead was filled with heartbreak and defeat. We both saw what the ultrasound technician saw immediately but we hoped we were wrong. The question, "have you been spotting?" rang in my ears as I answered with a numb, "Not at all." I couldn't believe that there was no heartbeat with our tiny little baby...I couldn't even cry because I was so shocked.
This baby was making me crazy from day 1...how could it not have survived??? We found out labor day weekend on accident that we were expecting. We were in the middle of moving from our townhouse to our new home and my friend was worried that she was pregnant. She didn't want to take a test and so I told her I'd take one with her to make her feel better. Hers was negative but mine was positive. Husband and I were both excited since we were ready for baby #3 and just that month had stopped preventing pregnancy. I went in for an early ultrasound because of the higher risk of complications due to my surgery to remove an IUD that had migrated into my abdomen (sign from God that we weren't meant to control when He gave us precious little gifts??). The ultrasound showed that we were only 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant but that everything was developing perfectly. I was so sick, exhausted, dizzy, and just felt plain PREGNANT. I never took anything for morning sickness with the first two little ones because I just thought I'd deal with it (I despise medicine if it's not 100% necessary) but at 5 weeks pregnant with #3 I BEGGED for them to call me something in because I couldn't handle the sickness as bad as it was.
We told very few people (our parents, the preachers and music minister at church, and our CLOSEST friends) because we've always kept it quiet until the first trimester was over. This baby was making me so sick and I was already growing though and so we decided that after the 8 week ultrasound we'd go ahead and tell everyone because it was going to be hard to hide...and then the news. We lost the baby sometime in the previous week. I was still so sick thanks to the hormones in my body and instead of choosing to pass the baby naturally I decided that I wasn't strong enough to go through that and we opted for a d&c that would take place the next day.
I went home and cried my eyes out...we had so many plans for this baby since we'd had a little over a month to think about how excited we were. We knew how we were going to tell everyone (in fact I had a special shirt to wear to let people figure it out on their own), I thought about how the baby would be kicking me during my solo in the Christmas program, and was so excited and looking foward to the beautiful process of labor and delivery. Everyone thinks that husband and I are crazy because we want such a large family but we just have so much love for each other and our children that we want to share it with little ones that God gave us to raise as His little christian soldiers. And now our plans were destroyed and it felt so much like my fault. I know that's not the way I should be thinking because truly most babies that are lost are lost because of a genetic abnormality that makes the baby not viable but so many questions ran through my head: was it because of the IUD surgery? Was it because I wasn't eating enough or drinking enough water? Was it because I carried the kiddos too much and they're so heavy? Was it because I complained about the morning sickness and swore that we were getting "fixed" after this baby because of it? Had I done ANYTHING that caused this loss or made me deserve such pain?????????? I know logically that this isn't the case and that blaming myself isn't the right thing to do but I can't help but feel so lost and powerless.
The d&c went fine. They were super kind and the obstetrician (that I'd only been to two times before the loss) was great. They put me to sleep and when I woke up it was over. Apparently I woke up from the anesthesia holding my stomach and crying, saying that my baby was gone and I wanted my baby back. Husband said that the nurse was so sad for us and I know that it broke his heart...and I know that he feels just as lost and heartbroken over our loss as I do. I don't think that people quite understand that daddys also hurt over miscarriage. He was just as excited about our tiny baby as I was and therefore was just as hurt when we lost that little thing. He's been so amazing and supportive though that it's only strengthened our relationship.
Then there were the two trips to the ER and the admittance to the hospital for a slight infection from the d&c and a ruptured ovarian cyst. That pain was as much as natural transition in labor and I have a high threshold for pain. I was so doped up that I couldn't even think about coping with what all had happened-I only missed my babies and my husband and knew that hopefully soon they'd get the pain and infection under control and I could go home. So now that I'm home and husband is back to work, it's hit me hard...and I'm not sure how long it's going to hurt like this. Is it supposed to last a long time?
I've read that it takes a woman about three months to grieve for a loss like this. So I have to feel the pain in the pit of my stomach and in my heart that I have for another three months? I have to have tears well up at every kind word and prayer and I have to be sad every time I hear another announcement about a baby or pregnancy? I know that this is illogical and that many many other women have been through this but I can't help but still feel alone. People all over the world (and friends of ours) are going through worse or have suffered greater losses but somehow I let my selfish sinful self feel sad and lonely. I haven't talked to hardly anyone on the phone since last week and I really haven't talked to anyone online. When people want to help I smile and nod but on the inside I just withdraw. Compassion makes me break down and I can't fall apart now, not with a husband and two babies to be strong for...but then when some people that we thought were so important in our lives show no concern for us past the original "I'm sorry for your loss," it hurts even worse.
BUT in the midst of the pain and selfishness I do realize just how blessed God has made me. He has shown me who our real friends are and it's amazing how many people love us. I may have had my feelings hurt by people that I thought were close but are truly just superficial friendships but that's okay, maybe it was time for me to see who is important to have in my life and who it is important to love but keep at a distance (see, that's the selfishness kicking in!). Our family, even with it's problems, for the most part have been extremely supportive. We have a wonderful marriage and God has brought us so much closer through this loss...how can I feel so alone when I have the husband that He created for me to serve Him by my side? Husband has been so incredibly amazing, supportive, and encouraging while allowing me to be the same for him. I feel as though we are both making it through first because of God's grace and love and the belief that He has a plan for us and for that tiny baby, but also because we have leaned on each other and supported each other. We also have two playful, joyful, intelligent and wonderful children that we were blessed with. Their smiles, hugs and kisses are so amazing to me and it's beautiful to me that we have such great children. They are worth any pain that we've been through.
Now for the sunshine in the pain. It may hurt to have lost this baby and it may feel sometimes as though I wish it hadn't happened but truly, through the suffering and through the lonesome times, I have had such a peace about everything. I may be sad and hurting but I have not once feared. I wasn't fearful about the surgery, about the hospital stay or even about what was wrong with me when I was in so much pain. I knew that God was with me, that He was protecting me and guiding me and that He has a plan through this all. We have received so many blessings through the loss! We are closer to each other and got some much needed time together. Husband has a new appreciation for all that I do at home for him and the kids after having to take care of us all, and I have a new appreciation for his devotion to us and to God. My goodness, I couldn't ask for a better family! And then we have such a large extended family that we didn't even know we had. We get so homesick for North Carolina sometimes but we are so blessed here in Georgia too! We have friends that have such deep compassion and love for us that we didn't know was there and the best part is, we have that same compassion and love for them! God has worked in our hearts and in our lives and has shown us so much through this experience! We are closer to Him because of it too. I prayed and prayed through this all and mostly the prayer that I prayed was, "Thank you God for this loss because I know that you are working a much better plan for us than we could have imagined. Hold our little baby close to you and meanwhile help us to draw closer to you as well. I love you Lord and thank you Lord for the many blessings you've given us." I haven't been angry and really, other than a few fleeting thoughts, I haven't begrudged those who are pregnant, have never had a loss like this, or who don't understand. Those thoughts aren't helpful because I know that God is with us and it just wasn't His plan for our little baby to be here in our arms. That's okay with me because I know that no matter what, He has just blessed us beyond what I could have ever expected and with Him, whom or what shall I fear???
So it may hurt but I don't mind the hurt because He is molding me and shaping me into the christian that He would have me to be. I appreciate my husband and children even more now than I did before and if He sees fit to bless us with another tiny baby then I will be grateful for the sickness, the exhaustion, the dizziness and any other pregnancy symptom that would come along with another baby. My witness to others is stronger through this loss and I can now help others see Christ in the pain when they experience something like this. And I can't help but think of one of my favorite Bible verses when I think of our little baby:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace.
So it may be our time to mourn, to weep, to lose but He will also give us a time to laugh, to dance and to gain. I just remember that this season is for a reason and that He is working in our lives through it. What else can I ask for than for Him to guide my life and for me to not to have to try and control or worry? He's in control and that is such an amazing fact that I rely on right now...God is in control and I am thankful!
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