I know that I've been writing about the baby that we lost so much lately but this has been the biggest challenge to my faith and my Christian walk since Drew and I got married and began walking with Christ full time (not just when it suited us). Let me preface this post by saying that I know that it could be worse. I know that my struggles are nothing compared to others but they still hurt nonetheless. It doesn't help to hear that others never could conceive, others have lost more than one baby or lost a baby way farther along in the pregnancy. It doesn't help to hear that my suffering is nothing compared to this situation or that, conception related or not. It still painful and I'm still selfish and want it to feel better- not tomorrow, not in a month or a year but right here and right now. That's my sinful side taking over but it wouldn't be an honest blog about my personal walk with Christ if I never talked about my angry and bitter thoughts, my sadness and my fears and just wrote hopeful words of encouragement. I am a hopeful and positive person in general but even I get down sometimes and have ugly thoughts and feelings. I just have to remind myself that God never said that it would be easy, He just said that He would be there and I know that He's here right now, being ever so patient with me as I feel the things that I am going to blog about tonight. Please, reader, try and be patient with me as well because I promise that it's not all negative and there is a point to my sorrowful and bitter words.
I have this ache. It's the ache of my empty womb that should be filling out right now. It sounds stupid to you but it's an ache that I'm very aware of and that is also taking over my heart. I've always wanted kids, a huge family with tons of love to go around. When Drew and I were dating we both talked about having at least four kids and that hasn't changed. We planned and wanted the angel baby that we lost and when we went through that loss I may have had fleeting thoughts of not trying again or waiting a long time to try and conceive but they were just that: fleeting. Both of us wanted to try again as soon as we were able and the OB said that after one period returned we were fine to work on conceiving again. I'm a healthy woman and my body bounces back well from pregnancy and so it was in great shape to try and have another baby after the loss.
So for that first long, anxiety ridden month after the d&c we used protection and hoped for a future with another little one. When I had my period after the d&c it was a great day because it meant that we could try to get pregnant again. Then I was late for my period this month and took a pregnancy test and just like that, it was faintly positive. I knew I should be scared to get my hopes up but there was that faint pink line and I just felt deep in my heart that I was pregnant again...that line doesn't show up without HcG levels in your body and I had tested a week before I was due to be sure that there was no HcG left from the miscarriage and there hadn't been; therefore, this was from a new surge of pregnancy hormones. I wasn't going to tell Drew but I can't keep secrets from him. He was also excited although a little more reserved because he didn't want to go through another loss. We talked about it and decided that I would test again in another week and see what happens.
Then this morning at church I started to bleed. It was like someone squeezed all of the air out of my lungs and sliced at my heart. It was so painful to me emotionally that I couldn't teach Sunday school...Drew taught our class without me. I was surprised at my composure because I didn't cry right then and there. I waited until after church when we were putting the kids into the car and Drew knew that something was wrong. He hugged me and the floodgates opened. I couldn't even look at the newly pregnant woman at our church that I do admire so much because she's a wonderful Christian. I was too angry to look at her...unfair and wrong, I know, but it was there and it's the raw truth. Then Drew found out that his best friend from high school is also expecting. She's lost a baby too and I have been hoping she would try and get pregnant again and prayed for this regularly yet when he told me today, the day that I started bleeding after a positive pregnancy test, I was angry all over again.
I beat myself up for these thoughts all of the time, although I know that's just as sinful as having them. I know that I need to give it to God and let it go and I have the knowledge that He has a plan but it's so hard to lead my heart down those paths of thinking. Trust me when I say that most days I feel the hope and joy of God's grace and love but today was just not one of those days...it was one of those days where I have to keep telling myself that He loves me (which he does, and I don't deserve that love) and that He has a plan for me that's greater than my own and it's one of those days where I have to work on my faith and trust in God. Today I just wished over and over again that I didn't want a large family, that I didn't feel that pull to be pregnant again and that I didn't feel like I was called to be a mother first and foremost. I wished that Drew and I were like others who only want one or two children, if that, and are completely content in that. If he just blesses us with the two that we have then I know that we are more blessed than we ever deserved but I have that ache and it just doesn't want to go away.
Now here's the part where I let you know that I am working to overcome this anger and bitterness. Satan is trying to win my heart but I won't let him, I just won't. God puts music in my life when I need it. I've always been drawn to music and He always knows what I need to hear and when. This song was posted on facebook for a friend of mine that is battling breast cancer and I thought that it was appropriate for my situation as well. It started playing in the car on the way home from church not thirty minutes after I started bleeding. It's called "Your Hands," and it's by JJ Heller. Here are the lyrics:
I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands
What an amazing song to help me put my feelings into perspective! He is a very loving God and knows my sorrow. He also knows my anger and bitterness and even though my anger and bitterness hurts Him, He still holds me close and lets me know that it will all be okay. I can't help but smile at those thoughts. I am such a frustrating child to Him, I'm sure. I'm so stubborn and want to just control things but I know that He's just going to gently guide me along the way to His path for my life. I know that He is showing me His grace everyday and that these trials are just meant to show me His plan for me and to bring me closer to Him. He loves me more than I can even comprehend and I am so thankful for this life that He has given me, even though it's difficult at times. I know that He will take my pain away and I know that this life is just temporary and that living for Him has great rewards in Heaven...so even if it hurts now, it will be amazing when I'm with him at Home. So I'm going to continue to lean on Him, even when I'm crying tears and aching like I am. I'm going to lean on Him more now than I ever have! I am going to strengthen my relationship with Him, talk to Him more and enjoy His presence in my life even if it's not always easy. He is #1 in my life no matter what and hey, if it means that I have to go through heartbreak and hardships, it's okay. He's carrying me, I'm in His hands and that's more comforting than anything else could be.
So here is my prayer for now:
Show me God, your ways. Show me your plan for me and help me to be patient while it unfolds. Help me through this heartbreak and help me to lean on You in all things. Help me to become a better Christian and help me to use my pain to help witness to others and bring them to You. Help me to feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me and help me to know that You love me, no matter what trials I may face. God please rid my heart and mind of anger, bitterness and selfishness and fill it with love and compassion for others as well as a trust in You that never ends. I love you Lord and thank you Lord for all the many blessings that you have given me. Amen.
Sunday, December 12, 2010
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving day
It's been a rough day. I'm so thankful for the many blessings God has given me and I love celebrating it all with a great meal and family time on one of my favorite holidays: Thanksgiving...but I'm just receiving more reminders of our little baby that we lost. I feel as though I should be "over it," but it's still tough. Little reminders...a new person expecting and making their big announcement on facebook (and my own selfish anger that we aren't allowed that, that our announcement of our precious little one was that we lost her), little baby girls and boys on tv and my flat tummy when it should be getting bigger...I guess I just thought it was getting better but then I feel hit with a new wave of sadness that the baby isn't coming. I am truly thankful that we got that short time with our little one, that we got to talk to it and that Drew got to kiss my tummy and tell our baby that we love it so much but I just have tears in my eyes thinking that this Thanksgiving day I should be eating to my heart's content as morning sickness would be just now passing and that I should be wearing maternity pants and a cute top to show off the bump that I would be acquiring. I am so thankful to have God to lean on and I'm thankful that our lives were touched and changed by our little baby but I am more than a little sad that we don't have that little baby to look forward to holding in our arms. I just have to keep remembering that God has His plan and that He is looking out for us. I am so very thankful for the miracle of the two babies that we have because they are beautiful and healthy and full of life and love but I'd be lying if I didn't hope that we are to be blessed with more to love and cherish right there along with S and L. So here's a blog that is dedicated to healing, love and a hope for the future. I can only pray that I will keep the positive outlook that I've tried to hold on to, that I can be happy for others who are blessed with the little lives that they carry and I can remember fondly this short pregnancy and precious life that although we lost, we also learned so much from. Thank you God for giving us that little gift and I love you, my precious, sweet little angel baby!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Love and Memories
So it's been almost six weeks since we lost our baby and I am feeling so very thankful for the healing that God has brought into our lives. I can't speak for Drew, although we share quite a bit and he's experiencing much that I am, but I know that I still have ups and downs. I still see little babies and feel my heart tug at how I should be looking forward to another little one, read about sleepless nights and wish so badly that I would be that sleep deprived again and read about friends feeling their little ones kick them for the first time and it does still hurt. I do know that God is with me though, helping me through it all, giving me peace and comfort when I need it the most. I have so very much to be thankful for and although I miss our little angel baby (that I truly feel was a little girl...don't ask why, I just have that feeling) I am glad that God's will was done with her and that our lives are changing for the better because of it.
All of that being said and done, I have been so nostalgic here recently. I guess it's because I am so content with where my life is right now that I look back on the past to see what has brought me to such a wonderful place. It's definitely been a rocky road filled with bumps, bruises and mistakes that I've made. I was not always someone to be proud of and I did not always make decisisons that were wise. I've acted a fool, I've raised my voice, I've put others ahead of our Lord and Savior and I've definitely hurt myself and others in the process. I also have had those that hurt me in my life, and while some may dwell on those memories as bad and sad, only one word comes to mind when I think of these experiences in my past: FORGIVENESS.
I learned last summer when I was pregnant with baby girl that holding onto the past and not only being angry and bitter with others but also angry and bitter with ourselves is counterproductive. God loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for us, an ugly, lonely and very painful death, so that we could have everlasting life. I know that I couldn't give my son or daughter for someone else, especially someone that hurt me and that is exactly what God did. He loves us SO MUCH that even though we constantly hurt Him by sinning, lying, being selfish and putting our needs and wants above His (and even the best of christians are guilty of this!!!), he FORGIVES US. What an amazing thing, God's forgiveness and grace. Where would any of us be without it? I don't deserve His love and devotion...none of us do! He created us and often we turn our backs on Him for our own selfish motives and agendas. Yet time and time again God is with us, carrying us when we fall, wiping our tears away when we hurt and loving us through the good AND the bad times. I feel such peace when I give him my worries, anxieties and fears. Just a prayer helps give me peace and I certainly don't deserve such devotion from Him yet He gives it to me over and over again.
The point in all of my rambling is that if He can forgive ME, the one that has hurt Him so deeply so many times, then how in the world can I not forgive those that have hurt me? How can I not LOVE them as He loves me??? My goodness, I may have been through tough times but nothing compares to what Jesus went through on the cross so that I may be forgiven. That image in my head of Him bleeding and dying breaks my heart but gives me so much hope that it brings both sad and joyous tears to my eyes. His death on the cross makes it possible for me to be here knowing that salvation is mine thanks to Jesus and it helps me realize that anger, bitterness and guilt over the past all need to be let go and that I need to LOVE my enemies, LOVE my neighbors and LOVE all that are both brothers and sisters in Christ but also those that are lost. I should love them all so much that it breaks my heart if they aren't saved and I should want to lead them to Christ and weep with joy when they see what amazing grace lies in Him and when they Him into their hearts. Isn't it amazing how He can use us for His glory even when we don't know it???
So to everyone in my past, present and future: No matter what you feel for me (love, hate, anger, sadness, happiness, etc) and what we have been through, I FORGIVE you for anything you may have done to harm me and forgive myself for anything that I may have done to harm you. I LOVE YOU, no matter who you are and am THANKFUL for you and your presence in my life. You have made an impact on me, all of you, and have been a part of making me who I am in God's plan. His plan is so amazing and I am thankful that He placed each of you in my life and that no matter what happened between us that He has made our lives more rich and full because of it. I have learned so much from each and every one of you and even if you think that I am angry with you, I am not, and even if you think that I hate you, I never could because there is no room in Christ's love for hatred or anger or bitterness, only love. So again, thank you for being a part of my life and thank you for helping teach me about forgiveness and unconditional love and about being the woman that God would have me to be.
All of that being said and done, I have been so nostalgic here recently. I guess it's because I am so content with where my life is right now that I look back on the past to see what has brought me to such a wonderful place. It's definitely been a rocky road filled with bumps, bruises and mistakes that I've made. I was not always someone to be proud of and I did not always make decisisons that were wise. I've acted a fool, I've raised my voice, I've put others ahead of our Lord and Savior and I've definitely hurt myself and others in the process. I also have had those that hurt me in my life, and while some may dwell on those memories as bad and sad, only one word comes to mind when I think of these experiences in my past: FORGIVENESS.
I learned last summer when I was pregnant with baby girl that holding onto the past and not only being angry and bitter with others but also angry and bitter with ourselves is counterproductive. God loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for us, an ugly, lonely and very painful death, so that we could have everlasting life. I know that I couldn't give my son or daughter for someone else, especially someone that hurt me and that is exactly what God did. He loves us SO MUCH that even though we constantly hurt Him by sinning, lying, being selfish and putting our needs and wants above His (and even the best of christians are guilty of this!!!), he FORGIVES US. What an amazing thing, God's forgiveness and grace. Where would any of us be without it? I don't deserve His love and devotion...none of us do! He created us and often we turn our backs on Him for our own selfish motives and agendas. Yet time and time again God is with us, carrying us when we fall, wiping our tears away when we hurt and loving us through the good AND the bad times. I feel such peace when I give him my worries, anxieties and fears. Just a prayer helps give me peace and I certainly don't deserve such devotion from Him yet He gives it to me over and over again.
The point in all of my rambling is that if He can forgive ME, the one that has hurt Him so deeply so many times, then how in the world can I not forgive those that have hurt me? How can I not LOVE them as He loves me??? My goodness, I may have been through tough times but nothing compares to what Jesus went through on the cross so that I may be forgiven. That image in my head of Him bleeding and dying breaks my heart but gives me so much hope that it brings both sad and joyous tears to my eyes. His death on the cross makes it possible for me to be here knowing that salvation is mine thanks to Jesus and it helps me realize that anger, bitterness and guilt over the past all need to be let go and that I need to LOVE my enemies, LOVE my neighbors and LOVE all that are both brothers and sisters in Christ but also those that are lost. I should love them all so much that it breaks my heart if they aren't saved and I should want to lead them to Christ and weep with joy when they see what amazing grace lies in Him and when they Him into their hearts. Isn't it amazing how He can use us for His glory even when we don't know it???
So to everyone in my past, present and future: No matter what you feel for me (love, hate, anger, sadness, happiness, etc) and what we have been through, I FORGIVE you for anything you may have done to harm me and forgive myself for anything that I may have done to harm you. I LOVE YOU, no matter who you are and am THANKFUL for you and your presence in my life. You have made an impact on me, all of you, and have been a part of making me who I am in God's plan. His plan is so amazing and I am thankful that He placed each of you in my life and that no matter what happened between us that He has made our lives more rich and full because of it. I have learned so much from each and every one of you and even if you think that I am angry with you, I am not, and even if you think that I hate you, I never could because there is no room in Christ's love for hatred or anger or bitterness, only love. So again, thank you for being a part of my life and thank you for helping teach me about forgiveness and unconditional love and about being the woman that God would have me to be.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Little angel baby
This post is so personal for me to write and probably uncomfortable for others to read but I feel as though if I don't do something to get this out of my system, I'm not sure I'll ever truly cope with it.
It's been a week and a day since husband and I left the kiddos with a babysitter and headed out for an appointment that we thought would be filled with joy but instead was filled with heartbreak and defeat. We both saw what the ultrasound technician saw immediately but we hoped we were wrong. The question, "have you been spotting?" rang in my ears as I answered with a numb, "Not at all." I couldn't believe that there was no heartbeat with our tiny little baby...I couldn't even cry because I was so shocked.
This baby was making me crazy from day 1...how could it not have survived??? We found out labor day weekend on accident that we were expecting. We were in the middle of moving from our townhouse to our new home and my friend was worried that she was pregnant. She didn't want to take a test and so I told her I'd take one with her to make her feel better. Hers was negative but mine was positive. Husband and I were both excited since we were ready for baby #3 and just that month had stopped preventing pregnancy. I went in for an early ultrasound because of the higher risk of complications due to my surgery to remove an IUD that had migrated into my abdomen (sign from God that we weren't meant to control when He gave us precious little gifts??). The ultrasound showed that we were only 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant but that everything was developing perfectly. I was so sick, exhausted, dizzy, and just felt plain PREGNANT. I never took anything for morning sickness with the first two little ones because I just thought I'd deal with it (I despise medicine if it's not 100% necessary) but at 5 weeks pregnant with #3 I BEGGED for them to call me something in because I couldn't handle the sickness as bad as it was.
We told very few people (our parents, the preachers and music minister at church, and our CLOSEST friends) because we've always kept it quiet until the first trimester was over. This baby was making me so sick and I was already growing though and so we decided that after the 8 week ultrasound we'd go ahead and tell everyone because it was going to be hard to hide...and then the news. We lost the baby sometime in the previous week. I was still so sick thanks to the hormones in my body and instead of choosing to pass the baby naturally I decided that I wasn't strong enough to go through that and we opted for a d&c that would take place the next day.
I went home and cried my eyes out...we had so many plans for this baby since we'd had a little over a month to think about how excited we were. We knew how we were going to tell everyone (in fact I had a special shirt to wear to let people figure it out on their own), I thought about how the baby would be kicking me during my solo in the Christmas program, and was so excited and looking foward to the beautiful process of labor and delivery. Everyone thinks that husband and I are crazy because we want such a large family but we just have so much love for each other and our children that we want to share it with little ones that God gave us to raise as His little christian soldiers. And now our plans were destroyed and it felt so much like my fault. I know that's not the way I should be thinking because truly most babies that are lost are lost because of a genetic abnormality that makes the baby not viable but so many questions ran through my head: was it because of the IUD surgery? Was it because I wasn't eating enough or drinking enough water? Was it because I carried the kiddos too much and they're so heavy? Was it because I complained about the morning sickness and swore that we were getting "fixed" after this baby because of it? Had I done ANYTHING that caused this loss or made me deserve such pain?????????? I know logically that this isn't the case and that blaming myself isn't the right thing to do but I can't help but feel so lost and powerless.
The d&c went fine. They were super kind and the obstetrician (that I'd only been to two times before the loss) was great. They put me to sleep and when I woke up it was over. Apparently I woke up from the anesthesia holding my stomach and crying, saying that my baby was gone and I wanted my baby back. Husband said that the nurse was so sad for us and I know that it broke his heart...and I know that he feels just as lost and heartbroken over our loss as I do. I don't think that people quite understand that daddys also hurt over miscarriage. He was just as excited about our tiny baby as I was and therefore was just as hurt when we lost that little thing. He's been so amazing and supportive though that it's only strengthened our relationship.
Then there were the two trips to the ER and the admittance to the hospital for a slight infection from the d&c and a ruptured ovarian cyst. That pain was as much as natural transition in labor and I have a high threshold for pain. I was so doped up that I couldn't even think about coping with what all had happened-I only missed my babies and my husband and knew that hopefully soon they'd get the pain and infection under control and I could go home. So now that I'm home and husband is back to work, it's hit me hard...and I'm not sure how long it's going to hurt like this. Is it supposed to last a long time?
I've read that it takes a woman about three months to grieve for a loss like this. So I have to feel the pain in the pit of my stomach and in my heart that I have for another three months? I have to have tears well up at every kind word and prayer and I have to be sad every time I hear another announcement about a baby or pregnancy? I know that this is illogical and that many many other women have been through this but I can't help but still feel alone. People all over the world (and friends of ours) are going through worse or have suffered greater losses but somehow I let my selfish sinful self feel sad and lonely. I haven't talked to hardly anyone on the phone since last week and I really haven't talked to anyone online. When people want to help I smile and nod but on the inside I just withdraw. Compassion makes me break down and I can't fall apart now, not with a husband and two babies to be strong for...but then when some people that we thought were so important in our lives show no concern for us past the original "I'm sorry for your loss," it hurts even worse.
BUT in the midst of the pain and selfishness I do realize just how blessed God has made me. He has shown me who our real friends are and it's amazing how many people love us. I may have had my feelings hurt by people that I thought were close but are truly just superficial friendships but that's okay, maybe it was time for me to see who is important to have in my life and who it is important to love but keep at a distance (see, that's the selfishness kicking in!). Our family, even with it's problems, for the most part have been extremely supportive. We have a wonderful marriage and God has brought us so much closer through this loss...how can I feel so alone when I have the husband that He created for me to serve Him by my side? Husband has been so incredibly amazing, supportive, and encouraging while allowing me to be the same for him. I feel as though we are both making it through first because of God's grace and love and the belief that He has a plan for us and for that tiny baby, but also because we have leaned on each other and supported each other. We also have two playful, joyful, intelligent and wonderful children that we were blessed with. Their smiles, hugs and kisses are so amazing to me and it's beautiful to me that we have such great children. They are worth any pain that we've been through.
Now for the sunshine in the pain. It may hurt to have lost this baby and it may feel sometimes as though I wish it hadn't happened but truly, through the suffering and through the lonesome times, I have had such a peace about everything. I may be sad and hurting but I have not once feared. I wasn't fearful about the surgery, about the hospital stay or even about what was wrong with me when I was in so much pain. I knew that God was with me, that He was protecting me and guiding me and that He has a plan through this all. We have received so many blessings through the loss! We are closer to each other and got some much needed time together. Husband has a new appreciation for all that I do at home for him and the kids after having to take care of us all, and I have a new appreciation for his devotion to us and to God. My goodness, I couldn't ask for a better family! And then we have such a large extended family that we didn't even know we had. We get so homesick for North Carolina sometimes but we are so blessed here in Georgia too! We have friends that have such deep compassion and love for us that we didn't know was there and the best part is, we have that same compassion and love for them! God has worked in our hearts and in our lives and has shown us so much through this experience! We are closer to Him because of it too. I prayed and prayed through this all and mostly the prayer that I prayed was, "Thank you God for this loss because I know that you are working a much better plan for us than we could have imagined. Hold our little baby close to you and meanwhile help us to draw closer to you as well. I love you Lord and thank you Lord for the many blessings you've given us." I haven't been angry and really, other than a few fleeting thoughts, I haven't begrudged those who are pregnant, have never had a loss like this, or who don't understand. Those thoughts aren't helpful because I know that God is with us and it just wasn't His plan for our little baby to be here in our arms. That's okay with me because I know that no matter what, He has just blessed us beyond what I could have ever expected and with Him, whom or what shall I fear???
So it may hurt but I don't mind the hurt because He is molding me and shaping me into the christian that He would have me to be. I appreciate my husband and children even more now than I did before and if He sees fit to bless us with another tiny baby then I will be grateful for the sickness, the exhaustion, the dizziness and any other pregnancy symptom that would come along with another baby. My witness to others is stronger through this loss and I can now help others see Christ in the pain when they experience something like this. And I can't help but think of one of my favorite Bible verses when I think of our little baby:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace.
So it may be our time to mourn, to weep, to lose but He will also give us a time to laugh, to dance and to gain. I just remember that this season is for a reason and that He is working in our lives through it. What else can I ask for than for Him to guide my life and for me to not to have to try and control or worry? He's in control and that is such an amazing fact that I rely on right now...God is in control and I am thankful!
It's been a week and a day since husband and I left the kiddos with a babysitter and headed out for an appointment that we thought would be filled with joy but instead was filled with heartbreak and defeat. We both saw what the ultrasound technician saw immediately but we hoped we were wrong. The question, "have you been spotting?" rang in my ears as I answered with a numb, "Not at all." I couldn't believe that there was no heartbeat with our tiny little baby...I couldn't even cry because I was so shocked.
This baby was making me crazy from day 1...how could it not have survived??? We found out labor day weekend on accident that we were expecting. We were in the middle of moving from our townhouse to our new home and my friend was worried that she was pregnant. She didn't want to take a test and so I told her I'd take one with her to make her feel better. Hers was negative but mine was positive. Husband and I were both excited since we were ready for baby #3 and just that month had stopped preventing pregnancy. I went in for an early ultrasound because of the higher risk of complications due to my surgery to remove an IUD that had migrated into my abdomen (sign from God that we weren't meant to control when He gave us precious little gifts??). The ultrasound showed that we were only 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant but that everything was developing perfectly. I was so sick, exhausted, dizzy, and just felt plain PREGNANT. I never took anything for morning sickness with the first two little ones because I just thought I'd deal with it (I despise medicine if it's not 100% necessary) but at 5 weeks pregnant with #3 I BEGGED for them to call me something in because I couldn't handle the sickness as bad as it was.
We told very few people (our parents, the preachers and music minister at church, and our CLOSEST friends) because we've always kept it quiet until the first trimester was over. This baby was making me so sick and I was already growing though and so we decided that after the 8 week ultrasound we'd go ahead and tell everyone because it was going to be hard to hide...and then the news. We lost the baby sometime in the previous week. I was still so sick thanks to the hormones in my body and instead of choosing to pass the baby naturally I decided that I wasn't strong enough to go through that and we opted for a d&c that would take place the next day.
I went home and cried my eyes out...we had so many plans for this baby since we'd had a little over a month to think about how excited we were. We knew how we were going to tell everyone (in fact I had a special shirt to wear to let people figure it out on their own), I thought about how the baby would be kicking me during my solo in the Christmas program, and was so excited and looking foward to the beautiful process of labor and delivery. Everyone thinks that husband and I are crazy because we want such a large family but we just have so much love for each other and our children that we want to share it with little ones that God gave us to raise as His little christian soldiers. And now our plans were destroyed and it felt so much like my fault. I know that's not the way I should be thinking because truly most babies that are lost are lost because of a genetic abnormality that makes the baby not viable but so many questions ran through my head: was it because of the IUD surgery? Was it because I wasn't eating enough or drinking enough water? Was it because I carried the kiddos too much and they're so heavy? Was it because I complained about the morning sickness and swore that we were getting "fixed" after this baby because of it? Had I done ANYTHING that caused this loss or made me deserve such pain?????????? I know logically that this isn't the case and that blaming myself isn't the right thing to do but I can't help but feel so lost and powerless.
The d&c went fine. They were super kind and the obstetrician (that I'd only been to two times before the loss) was great. They put me to sleep and when I woke up it was over. Apparently I woke up from the anesthesia holding my stomach and crying, saying that my baby was gone and I wanted my baby back. Husband said that the nurse was so sad for us and I know that it broke his heart...and I know that he feels just as lost and heartbroken over our loss as I do. I don't think that people quite understand that daddys also hurt over miscarriage. He was just as excited about our tiny baby as I was and therefore was just as hurt when we lost that little thing. He's been so amazing and supportive though that it's only strengthened our relationship.
Then there were the two trips to the ER and the admittance to the hospital for a slight infection from the d&c and a ruptured ovarian cyst. That pain was as much as natural transition in labor and I have a high threshold for pain. I was so doped up that I couldn't even think about coping with what all had happened-I only missed my babies and my husband and knew that hopefully soon they'd get the pain and infection under control and I could go home. So now that I'm home and husband is back to work, it's hit me hard...and I'm not sure how long it's going to hurt like this. Is it supposed to last a long time?
I've read that it takes a woman about three months to grieve for a loss like this. So I have to feel the pain in the pit of my stomach and in my heart that I have for another three months? I have to have tears well up at every kind word and prayer and I have to be sad every time I hear another announcement about a baby or pregnancy? I know that this is illogical and that many many other women have been through this but I can't help but still feel alone. People all over the world (and friends of ours) are going through worse or have suffered greater losses but somehow I let my selfish sinful self feel sad and lonely. I haven't talked to hardly anyone on the phone since last week and I really haven't talked to anyone online. When people want to help I smile and nod but on the inside I just withdraw. Compassion makes me break down and I can't fall apart now, not with a husband and two babies to be strong for...but then when some people that we thought were so important in our lives show no concern for us past the original "I'm sorry for your loss," it hurts even worse.
BUT in the midst of the pain and selfishness I do realize just how blessed God has made me. He has shown me who our real friends are and it's amazing how many people love us. I may have had my feelings hurt by people that I thought were close but are truly just superficial friendships but that's okay, maybe it was time for me to see who is important to have in my life and who it is important to love but keep at a distance (see, that's the selfishness kicking in!). Our family, even with it's problems, for the most part have been extremely supportive. We have a wonderful marriage and God has brought us so much closer through this loss...how can I feel so alone when I have the husband that He created for me to serve Him by my side? Husband has been so incredibly amazing, supportive, and encouraging while allowing me to be the same for him. I feel as though we are both making it through first because of God's grace and love and the belief that He has a plan for us and for that tiny baby, but also because we have leaned on each other and supported each other. We also have two playful, joyful, intelligent and wonderful children that we were blessed with. Their smiles, hugs and kisses are so amazing to me and it's beautiful to me that we have such great children. They are worth any pain that we've been through.
Now for the sunshine in the pain. It may hurt to have lost this baby and it may feel sometimes as though I wish it hadn't happened but truly, through the suffering and through the lonesome times, I have had such a peace about everything. I may be sad and hurting but I have not once feared. I wasn't fearful about the surgery, about the hospital stay or even about what was wrong with me when I was in so much pain. I knew that God was with me, that He was protecting me and guiding me and that He has a plan through this all. We have received so many blessings through the loss! We are closer to each other and got some much needed time together. Husband has a new appreciation for all that I do at home for him and the kids after having to take care of us all, and I have a new appreciation for his devotion to us and to God. My goodness, I couldn't ask for a better family! And then we have such a large extended family that we didn't even know we had. We get so homesick for North Carolina sometimes but we are so blessed here in Georgia too! We have friends that have such deep compassion and love for us that we didn't know was there and the best part is, we have that same compassion and love for them! God has worked in our hearts and in our lives and has shown us so much through this experience! We are closer to Him because of it too. I prayed and prayed through this all and mostly the prayer that I prayed was, "Thank you God for this loss because I know that you are working a much better plan for us than we could have imagined. Hold our little baby close to you and meanwhile help us to draw closer to you as well. I love you Lord and thank you Lord for the many blessings you've given us." I haven't been angry and really, other than a few fleeting thoughts, I haven't begrudged those who are pregnant, have never had a loss like this, or who don't understand. Those thoughts aren't helpful because I know that God is with us and it just wasn't His plan for our little baby to be here in our arms. That's okay with me because I know that no matter what, He has just blessed us beyond what I could have ever expected and with Him, whom or what shall I fear???
So it may hurt but I don't mind the hurt because He is molding me and shaping me into the christian that He would have me to be. I appreciate my husband and children even more now than I did before and if He sees fit to bless us with another tiny baby then I will be grateful for the sickness, the exhaustion, the dizziness and any other pregnancy symptom that would come along with another baby. My witness to others is stronger through this loss and I can now help others see Christ in the pain when they experience something like this. And I can't help but think of one of my favorite Bible verses when I think of our little baby:
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace.
So it may be our time to mourn, to weep, to lose but He will also give us a time to laugh, to dance and to gain. I just remember that this season is for a reason and that He is working in our lives through it. What else can I ask for than for Him to guide my life and for me to not to have to try and control or worry? He's in control and that is such an amazing fact that I rely on right now...God is in control and I am thankful!
Thursday, August 5, 2010
My Running Mate
So Drew and I were talking yesterday about how God has been working in our lives in the last three years and how it feels like He has BIG plans for us, both together and separately. It started with our relationship and how we had such an amazing love for each other from day 1, something neither of us had experienced. Our relationship just fell into place and He put signs in our lives everywhere to show us that He created us for each other. Then He blessed us with our two babies back to back, right after we got married and we have both grown so much through those experiences. We were at our first church in GA for those births and really enjoyed the fellowship but complete change happened when we moved on to FBCP. We were dedicated although lagging, but once we were there we felt that God had us right where He wants us. We started becoming even more involved, branching out into teaching Sunday school, doing deacon's training together (even though it was just to learn about being the deacon that God would have Drew to be, since he's not quite in the place in his life where he would be completely qualified to be a deacon), my joining the choir, etc. We felt the tug to teach together and so we will be teaching the 4th and 5th graders this fall and hopefully will move up with them, teaching them as middle schoolers. He has moved us toward hopefully having this house that we have been praying for since we were pregnant with Sebastian that would not only be good for our family but would be a great way to minister to those middle schoolers (think pool parties centered on Christ that will engage the kids and help them have fun while also being able to teach them about Christ...make sense?). I am feeling moved to start using my voice to praise God with solos (wish me luck on my first one, hopefully soon!), and we feel as though we have been a good influence in the lives of others and would like to continue to do so, especially in regards to marriage.
One big thing that showed me that He has a plan for us, and more specifically me, was that last night one of my friends from church asked me to be her running mate. At first I wasn't sure what she meant but then she explained it to me and was like, "a running mate is like an accountability partner on steroids." I completely agreed because I'd been thinking about the same thing recently. Obviously my spouse is a running mate of sorts but it's not the same-we both need running mates other than each other. This friend is perfect. We are in different places in life but at the same time we are so much alike, especially in our walk with Christ, that we can definitely help each other grow as Christians and as people. I am looking forward to weekly Bible studies with her, ministering to others with her, etc. I am so glad that God has put her in my life!
I feel as though God is telling me to stop being slow in my walk with Him and to become completely for Him, to LIVE completely for Him. He is the way, the truth, and the life and I need to encompass that...I want others to see Christ in me and the only way I will ever do that is to let him take COMPLETE control, as hard as it is for a perfectionist like me, and to truly eat, sleep, and breathe the word. I am excited about His plans for me and Drew, both together as a married couple and separately. He has blessed us so very much and it's about time I stop giving Him most of me and I start to give him ALL of me!
One big thing that showed me that He has a plan for us, and more specifically me, was that last night one of my friends from church asked me to be her running mate. At first I wasn't sure what she meant but then she explained it to me and was like, "a running mate is like an accountability partner on steroids." I completely agreed because I'd been thinking about the same thing recently. Obviously my spouse is a running mate of sorts but it's not the same-we both need running mates other than each other. This friend is perfect. We are in different places in life but at the same time we are so much alike, especially in our walk with Christ, that we can definitely help each other grow as Christians and as people. I am looking forward to weekly Bible studies with her, ministering to others with her, etc. I am so glad that God has put her in my life!
I feel as though God is telling me to stop being slow in my walk with Him and to become completely for Him, to LIVE completely for Him. He is the way, the truth, and the life and I need to encompass that...I want others to see Christ in me and the only way I will ever do that is to let him take COMPLETE control, as hard as it is for a perfectionist like me, and to truly eat, sleep, and breathe the word. I am excited about His plans for me and Drew, both together as a married couple and separately. He has blessed us so very much and it's about time I stop giving Him most of me and I start to give him ALL of me!
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Busy busy
So I haven't written since that first blog because it's just so busy being a wife and mama! I feel like the days aren't long enough and the worst part about it is that I put my Bible reading and couples Bible time with Drew on the back burner so that I can clean the house, play with the kids, read a few minutes of an easily enjoyed and mindless book, etc. We have such a routine that it should be easy to fit in our Christian study time together at night...Drew gets home, we eat dinner, we either take a walk or run errands that need to be done, we go to church Tuesday, Wednesday, and Sunday nights, and then we give the kids a bath, put them to bed, watch one of our shows together, and read the Bible. Somehow though, since the Bible time goes last in our day I am so exhausted that sometimes I just fall asleep during either the reading of the passage we are studying or our discussion time together.
So the solution is obviously to have Bible time earlier than we usually do...simple, right? Why is it so easy to say that we put God first and foremost in our lives but so much harder to actually put that into play? I love God and enjoy having such a personal relationship with Christ but I know that it hurts Him that He is the last thing on my agenda for the day and that most times I don't even stay awake enough to enjoy or get anything out of my time with Him.
SO I had an epiphany when I was thinking about this problem in my life...JUST DO IT! I need to suck it up, put everything else aside and spend time with my Father in prayer, study, and peacefulness. If this means getting up extra early to have my alone Bible time with Him then I need to JUST DO IT. If it means putting the kids to bed and spending an hour with Drew ignoring the housework, shows we want to watch, etc and studying together how to be the Christian family that God would have us to be then I need to JUST DO IT. I don't want to disappoint my Creator and I do so on a regular basis but I don't want to purposefully do so by putting my time with Him last on my checklist for the day. I want to put Him first and foremost just like I say that I put Him first and foremost in my life.
So I need to just suck it up and put Christ first...then that will show my children how to do the same thing. Leading by example is certainly the way to teach anything, especially a love for Jesus Christ! And Drew is such a wonderful leader in the home and he wants more Bible time anyhow so why let anything hold be back from that? I'm not letting my worldly duties and distractions keep me from my time with Him anymore...I'm going to JUST DO IT! :-)
So the solution is obviously to have Bible time earlier than we usually do...simple, right? Why is it so easy to say that we put God first and foremost in our lives but so much harder to actually put that into play? I love God and enjoy having such a personal relationship with Christ but I know that it hurts Him that He is the last thing on my agenda for the day and that most times I don't even stay awake enough to enjoy or get anything out of my time with Him.
SO I had an epiphany when I was thinking about this problem in my life...JUST DO IT! I need to suck it up, put everything else aside and spend time with my Father in prayer, study, and peacefulness. If this means getting up extra early to have my alone Bible time with Him then I need to JUST DO IT. If it means putting the kids to bed and spending an hour with Drew ignoring the housework, shows we want to watch, etc and studying together how to be the Christian family that God would have us to be then I need to JUST DO IT. I don't want to disappoint my Creator and I do so on a regular basis but I don't want to purposefully do so by putting my time with Him last on my checklist for the day. I want to put Him first and foremost just like I say that I put Him first and foremost in my life.
So I need to just suck it up and put Christ first...then that will show my children how to do the same thing. Leading by example is certainly the way to teach anything, especially a love for Jesus Christ! And Drew is such a wonderful leader in the home and he wants more Bible time anyhow so why let anything hold be back from that? I'm not letting my worldly duties and distractions keep me from my time with Him anymore...I'm going to JUST DO IT! :-)
Thursday, February 18, 2010
To begin this journey...
I wanted to start this blog because sometimes I just get so darned frustrated in so many ways with the roles that I have in my life. I am first and foremost a Christian and that in and of itself is challenging yet so very rewarding. Following that I am a wife, which so far hasn't been that challenging but more fulfilling than anyone ever told me that it could be. I love my husband with all of my heart and couldn't ask for a better life partner. Neither of us is perfect, by any means, and we face the same issues that most married women and men do, but we are a team and that is enough to get us through it all together, still with love and devotion to each other. Then following that, I am a mommy. THIS one, folks, has been a roller coaster of emotions that I welcome each and every day. My children are amazing and watching them grow is just like watching God work His will each and every moment of each and every day. I always think about their existence as proof of HIS existence. I know that not everyone agrees that babies are proof enough of a God but to me they are definitely one of His best and most loving ways to show us his love, dedication, and grace. This also gives us a way, as parents, to grow in our understanding and love for Him. It seems like a theme for this blog is going to be love lol.
None of these roles is easy. Being a Christian means being stereotyped, persecuted, and disliked but I will take that all gladly if it means that God knows that I have faith in Him and that when it is my time to leave this Earth I will be called HOME. Like I said, being a wife hasn't been terribly challenging but I am not naiive and know that it will come of it's own set of obstacle courses. And parenting, whew, it's work-but it's definitely a labor of love that I would never trade for anything. My children are beautiful and amazing and I love holding them, playing with them, looking into their eyes and seeing their trust in me as their mommy...I could go on all day about them, but I think that to describe all of these roles I should start with the first one and work my way down. Then my blogs will make a little bit of sense from now on-I know its a ton to put in one blog but bear with me.
I was raised in a broken, but good, home. My parents divorced when I was three and I lived with my mom. I also visited my dad at least once a month so neither of my parents was absent. Both of my parents believe in God (mom being Baptist, dad being Methodist), although they're not extremely faithful about church and aren't as outspoken about their faith as I have become over the years. I do know that I've seen my dad pray and my mom mentions praying, so that was enough of a springboard for God to work in my heart to bring me to Him. My childhood wasn't easy, don't get me wrong. I am working through so many issues that I have with my mom because of things that myself and my three sisters went through, but God has gotten me through it all, time and time again. Anyhow, back to the subject at hand, when I was 8 I was sitting in church during the invitation and God stirred my heart. I went up to the front and told Pastor Chris (an amazing man who helped guide me in my early days as a Christian) that I wanted to accept Jesus Christ into my heart as my savior and become one of His children. I was baptized not long after (haha I was sprinkled as a baby in a Methodist church and dunked when I was 8 in a Baptist church). God kept me close to Him throughout the years, even without a stable church family (my mom moved us around a ton and like I said, dad didn't really go to church often) and when I was in high school I was invited to join a youth choir named Crossflame. Talk about God working in my life!! That choir brought the Holy Spirit back into my life full force just like when I was 8 and accepted Christ. I've always loved singing and worshiping through song was just such a great experience for me.
I was active in church from then on but then life happened and I let myself fall away a little. I still believed all that I believed before but I wasn't living like I should. I let things that happened in my life affect my heart way more than I'd like to admit and wasn't praising and worshiping as I should. I wasn't spending time with God each and every day...I wasn't even spending time with him each month. He worked on me though, putting strong believers in my life whenever I fell away and He kept me close.
Insert Drew, my amazing and wonderful husband that God created just for me...I truly believe that! I sometimes think that when God created me he took a little piece of Drew and gave it to me so that I would know when he came along that he was the one. I also think that he did the same for Drew because when we finally let ourselves become more than just friends (4 and 1/2 years after meeting!) we just knew it was meant to be. God has used Drew to bring me closer to Him and has used me to bring Drew closer to Him as well-what a great idea, God, that's why you are the MAN! Ever since we got married we have both just been so much more faithful than before. We don't miss church unless we are SICK, we read the Bible and do Bible studies every night and we are raising our children to know just how much God loves them. I'm not trying to toot our horns, I'm tooting God's. He knows just what to do to keep his children close. Yes, we've both experienced growing pains but guess what came out of those growing pains...a better relationship with HIM! I know that this is the watered down version of my relationship with Christ, but I'm sure I will delve much deeper into it as time with this blog continues.
Onto my role as a wife, which, as you have now read, has quite a bit to do with my relationship with God. We met when I was in college, the summer of 2003, before TOO much of my backsliding occurred. We were in a philosophy class where the professor told us on the first day that all opinions are welcome and no one is wrong, yet he shot down absolutely anyone in the class that believed in God. I fell asleep in the class one day (admittedly I could have had an A in the class but was so uncaring about it that I didn't work hard and made a B) and for some reason, the cute guy that I had been checking out that semester that always sat across from me (with the big ears, oh yes, they were sooo cute lol) stopped me outside of class. "I saw you sleeping in class," he says. WHAT??? WHO is this guy calling me out like this??? We talked a little bit and it turned out he felt the way I did-that the professor was a jerk and that we both would stand firm in our faith no matter what he said. Hmm, this could be a great ally for the class! We started to study online together, posting on each others' bulletin comments as we were required for the class, and discussing the tedious readings together, all the while flirting *gasp!*. He came to see me at work (Planet Smoothie guys, oh yes, I was a smoothie girl) and then after finishing my final exam I nodded goodbye to him and didn't expect to hear much from him again...only during the fall semester he invited me to his apartment to hang out.
Okay, I didn't usually make it a habit to hang out with guys that I don't know THAT well at their place, but I took a leap of faith and decided, what the heck? He picked me up and we decided to just watch a movie in the living room because he was a gentleman and knew that I probably wouldn't be comfortable hanging out in his bedroom. We get there, and his brother and roommate won't leave the room so it's just us two with them, feeling awkward, watching ANIMAL HOUSE (what a man movie, by the way). About a third of the way through the movie I started to feel not so hot. My throat got scratchy, my head started to hurt, and then I started to burn up. I got this freak fever and was feeling weirded out enough already by his brother and roommate so when the movie was over I was ready to go home. Drew gave me a Tylenol, a hug, and took me home. From then on I felt so embarrassed that I stood him up every time he tried to hang out with me, or take me on a date, again.
Insert the death of my Grandma Wood, my dad's mom. I was very close to her and it was quite devastating. I knew that she was older and she had been sick here and there but I still didn't expect to lose her. Once she passed away I decided to move closer to home while and I wanted to change my major to elementary education, which at the time, NC State didn't offer to me, so I transferred to Appalachian State and didn't (often) look back.
Drew and I stayed friends online (remember AIM, anyone?) and would have long chats about family, faith, love, etc but we were in the friend zone-well, he might tell it differently but he was definitely in MY friend zone! I dated a guy for three years and it was awful for so many reasons in so many ways. Our relationship was doomed from the beginning and was probably the low of my life (I just wasn't myself because I was in this hole of a depression trying to save something that just wasn't right) and so every time Drew came to Boone to visit (where I now went to school) I would blow him off. We did still keep in touch though and when I got engaged to my ex (BIG MISTAKE, last ditch effort to fix what was never meant to be to start with) I for some reason hesitated to tell one person: Drew. My heart just wasn't in it and Drew always held me accountable for my bad relationships, especially this one. Finally, four months after it happened, I told him and he wasn't too happy but he was kind about it. THEN two months after that when the engagement ended and I was in need of a good friend, I told Drew that we broke up. He tells everyone now that when I told him, he did a fist pump-old school, bring your elbow to your side with your fist clenched fist pump. I, of course, didn't know that. We started talking online every day after that and so of course when I needed a date to a wedding he offered to come. Now he was living in Savannah, me in NC while I finished up school with my student teaching, and so I didn't want him to drive that far. I told him no but then he convinced me. Of course the time came to come here and he calls the night before to tell me he can't make it!!! In his defense I had a ton going on that weekend and wouldn't be able to spend a ton of time with him, plus I was nervous about seeing him after it had been so long since we'd been together in person, BUT STILL! So instead he came to see me the next weekend.
Now I'm never one for being nervous around guys...I'm pretty confident but for some reason Drew made me nervous. He gave me a big hug when he got into town and we set off for dinner. THEN I forgot my purse at the house and we had to head back. He didn't understand why but I'm so independent and still under the impression that he was just a friend and wanted to pay for my own dinner. Of course he paid for it and we had a wonderful time and we both realized that we weren't meant to be "just friends." The next weekend he came to see me again and we went to Raleigh for an NC State game. I met one of his brothers and a ton of his friends, he met my best friends, and we had a blast. At the end of the weekend when he had to head back to Savannah it was just like someone had squeezed my heart-I didn't want him to go. It physically hurt to be away from him. That was when I knew I had fallen in love with my "friend," and the next weekend we both made it official by telling each other. I know it doesn't seem possible but it is, and remember, God's hand was in this all and with Him, ANYTHING is possible! After a month of dating we decided to get married. At first we weren't going to tell anyone (no one really agreed with us being together in the first place, not knowing how well we knew each other) but we decided that wouldn't be fair to our parents and so we had a beautiful wedding on Tybee Island on December 8, 2007, just four months(ish) after we started dating. It was an incredible day that I will never forget and I will never regret. I married the one that God created for me and together we have become so much closer to Him. There are so many signs that I could write about that pointed us that way but I won't make you all gag. Just know this: I welcome all of life's trials as long as I have Drew by my side.
Onto the mother role that I now have. Throughout the years of friendship that Drew and I had we talked about many things, including what we both wanted out of marriage and life (not knowing that we were talking about our life together). We both wanted kids pretty much right away, we both wanted the mama to stay at home with the kids because in our opinions, that's the way it should be, and we both wanted the daddy to "bring home the bacon" and be the leader of the household. Yes, I have a bachelor's and master's degree and have worked since I was 16, yes, I believe in the power of a woman and that women are incredible, but YES I AM OLD FASHIONED THAT WAY. When we got married it was natural that we wanted children right away but we didn't discuss that with our families...their heads were still spinning from our marriage! We were on a trip at the end of December when I didn't feel so hot...just super tired and not hungry often. On the day before New Years Eve I took a pregnancy test and behold, it was positive! It was a little scary because we were so newly pregnant that the line was almost invisible because it was so faint, but it was there, and we were excited! We only told three close friends at first, for fear that something would happen and we would lose the baby, but 6 weeks later we had an ultrasound and there was that little bean with a strong and healthy heartbeat, ready for us to be it's parents. It was an amazing day that I still smile at when I think of it. That bean turned out to be a 6 lb, 8 oz, 20.5 inch long baby boy born on August 30th, 2008, a week shy of his due date. His name is Sebastian Cobb and he is beautiful. Four months after he was born I had a hot flash and couldn't stop looking at maternity clothes. I took a test and BAM, I was seeing that almost invisible line of early pregnancy again! There were a couple of complications in the beginning that most people don't know about and caused us to have a few more ultrasounds than before, but there it was, our little bug with a healthy, strong heartbeat. That bug turned out to be a 7 lb, 8 oz, 21.5 inch long baby girl born on September 24th, almost two weeks shy of her due day. Her name is Leighlah Diane, and she is also beautiful. They are challenging and whew, they keep me busy, but I wouldn't have it any other way...I'd even keep the fact that they are a week shy of 13 months apart too. Call me crazy but I love my kids! They are blessings from God, and hopefully not the only two (but hey, we are so blessed that if He only gives us two then we are SO grateful!).
Anyhow, I know that's a long blog, but it sets up the premise for the ones to come and they shouldn't be nearly as long! Husband and I are going on a date tonight, the first one in an entire year, and I CANNOT WAIT! :-p
None of these roles is easy. Being a Christian means being stereotyped, persecuted, and disliked but I will take that all gladly if it means that God knows that I have faith in Him and that when it is my time to leave this Earth I will be called HOME. Like I said, being a wife hasn't been terribly challenging but I am not naiive and know that it will come of it's own set of obstacle courses. And parenting, whew, it's work-but it's definitely a labor of love that I would never trade for anything. My children are beautiful and amazing and I love holding them, playing with them, looking into their eyes and seeing their trust in me as their mommy...I could go on all day about them, but I think that to describe all of these roles I should start with the first one and work my way down. Then my blogs will make a little bit of sense from now on-I know its a ton to put in one blog but bear with me.
I was raised in a broken, but good, home. My parents divorced when I was three and I lived with my mom. I also visited my dad at least once a month so neither of my parents was absent. Both of my parents believe in God (mom being Baptist, dad being Methodist), although they're not extremely faithful about church and aren't as outspoken about their faith as I have become over the years. I do know that I've seen my dad pray and my mom mentions praying, so that was enough of a springboard for God to work in my heart to bring me to Him. My childhood wasn't easy, don't get me wrong. I am working through so many issues that I have with my mom because of things that myself and my three sisters went through, but God has gotten me through it all, time and time again. Anyhow, back to the subject at hand, when I was 8 I was sitting in church during the invitation and God stirred my heart. I went up to the front and told Pastor Chris (an amazing man who helped guide me in my early days as a Christian) that I wanted to accept Jesus Christ into my heart as my savior and become one of His children. I was baptized not long after (haha I was sprinkled as a baby in a Methodist church and dunked when I was 8 in a Baptist church). God kept me close to Him throughout the years, even without a stable church family (my mom moved us around a ton and like I said, dad didn't really go to church often) and when I was in high school I was invited to join a youth choir named Crossflame. Talk about God working in my life!! That choir brought the Holy Spirit back into my life full force just like when I was 8 and accepted Christ. I've always loved singing and worshiping through song was just such a great experience for me.
I was active in church from then on but then life happened and I let myself fall away a little. I still believed all that I believed before but I wasn't living like I should. I let things that happened in my life affect my heart way more than I'd like to admit and wasn't praising and worshiping as I should. I wasn't spending time with God each and every day...I wasn't even spending time with him each month. He worked on me though, putting strong believers in my life whenever I fell away and He kept me close.
Insert Drew, my amazing and wonderful husband that God created just for me...I truly believe that! I sometimes think that when God created me he took a little piece of Drew and gave it to me so that I would know when he came along that he was the one. I also think that he did the same for Drew because when we finally let ourselves become more than just friends (4 and 1/2 years after meeting!) we just knew it was meant to be. God has used Drew to bring me closer to Him and has used me to bring Drew closer to Him as well-what a great idea, God, that's why you are the MAN! Ever since we got married we have both just been so much more faithful than before. We don't miss church unless we are SICK, we read the Bible and do Bible studies every night and we are raising our children to know just how much God loves them. I'm not trying to toot our horns, I'm tooting God's. He knows just what to do to keep his children close. Yes, we've both experienced growing pains but guess what came out of those growing pains...a better relationship with HIM! I know that this is the watered down version of my relationship with Christ, but I'm sure I will delve much deeper into it as time with this blog continues.
Onto my role as a wife, which, as you have now read, has quite a bit to do with my relationship with God. We met when I was in college, the summer of 2003, before TOO much of my backsliding occurred. We were in a philosophy class where the professor told us on the first day that all opinions are welcome and no one is wrong, yet he shot down absolutely anyone in the class that believed in God. I fell asleep in the class one day (admittedly I could have had an A in the class but was so uncaring about it that I didn't work hard and made a B) and for some reason, the cute guy that I had been checking out that semester that always sat across from me (with the big ears, oh yes, they were sooo cute lol) stopped me outside of class. "I saw you sleeping in class," he says. WHAT??? WHO is this guy calling me out like this??? We talked a little bit and it turned out he felt the way I did-that the professor was a jerk and that we both would stand firm in our faith no matter what he said. Hmm, this could be a great ally for the class! We started to study online together, posting on each others' bulletin comments as we were required for the class, and discussing the tedious readings together, all the while flirting *gasp!*. He came to see me at work (Planet Smoothie guys, oh yes, I was a smoothie girl) and then after finishing my final exam I nodded goodbye to him and didn't expect to hear much from him again...only during the fall semester he invited me to his apartment to hang out.
Okay, I didn't usually make it a habit to hang out with guys that I don't know THAT well at their place, but I took a leap of faith and decided, what the heck? He picked me up and we decided to just watch a movie in the living room because he was a gentleman and knew that I probably wouldn't be comfortable hanging out in his bedroom. We get there, and his brother and roommate won't leave the room so it's just us two with them, feeling awkward, watching ANIMAL HOUSE (what a man movie, by the way). About a third of the way through the movie I started to feel not so hot. My throat got scratchy, my head started to hurt, and then I started to burn up. I got this freak fever and was feeling weirded out enough already by his brother and roommate so when the movie was over I was ready to go home. Drew gave me a Tylenol, a hug, and took me home. From then on I felt so embarrassed that I stood him up every time he tried to hang out with me, or take me on a date, again.
Insert the death of my Grandma Wood, my dad's mom. I was very close to her and it was quite devastating. I knew that she was older and she had been sick here and there but I still didn't expect to lose her. Once she passed away I decided to move closer to home while and I wanted to change my major to elementary education, which at the time, NC State didn't offer to me, so I transferred to Appalachian State and didn't (often) look back.
Drew and I stayed friends online (remember AIM, anyone?) and would have long chats about family, faith, love, etc but we were in the friend zone-well, he might tell it differently but he was definitely in MY friend zone! I dated a guy for three years and it was awful for so many reasons in so many ways. Our relationship was doomed from the beginning and was probably the low of my life (I just wasn't myself because I was in this hole of a depression trying to save something that just wasn't right) and so every time Drew came to Boone to visit (where I now went to school) I would blow him off. We did still keep in touch though and when I got engaged to my ex (BIG MISTAKE, last ditch effort to fix what was never meant to be to start with) I for some reason hesitated to tell one person: Drew. My heart just wasn't in it and Drew always held me accountable for my bad relationships, especially this one. Finally, four months after it happened, I told him and he wasn't too happy but he was kind about it. THEN two months after that when the engagement ended and I was in need of a good friend, I told Drew that we broke up. He tells everyone now that when I told him, he did a fist pump-old school, bring your elbow to your side with your fist clenched fist pump. I, of course, didn't know that. We started talking online every day after that and so of course when I needed a date to a wedding he offered to come. Now he was living in Savannah, me in NC while I finished up school with my student teaching, and so I didn't want him to drive that far. I told him no but then he convinced me. Of course the time came to come here and he calls the night before to tell me he can't make it!!! In his defense I had a ton going on that weekend and wouldn't be able to spend a ton of time with him, plus I was nervous about seeing him after it had been so long since we'd been together in person, BUT STILL! So instead he came to see me the next weekend.
Now I'm never one for being nervous around guys...I'm pretty confident but for some reason Drew made me nervous. He gave me a big hug when he got into town and we set off for dinner. THEN I forgot my purse at the house and we had to head back. He didn't understand why but I'm so independent and still under the impression that he was just a friend and wanted to pay for my own dinner. Of course he paid for it and we had a wonderful time and we both realized that we weren't meant to be "just friends." The next weekend he came to see me again and we went to Raleigh for an NC State game. I met one of his brothers and a ton of his friends, he met my best friends, and we had a blast. At the end of the weekend when he had to head back to Savannah it was just like someone had squeezed my heart-I didn't want him to go. It physically hurt to be away from him. That was when I knew I had fallen in love with my "friend," and the next weekend we both made it official by telling each other. I know it doesn't seem possible but it is, and remember, God's hand was in this all and with Him, ANYTHING is possible! After a month of dating we decided to get married. At first we weren't going to tell anyone (no one really agreed with us being together in the first place, not knowing how well we knew each other) but we decided that wouldn't be fair to our parents and so we had a beautiful wedding on Tybee Island on December 8, 2007, just four months(ish) after we started dating. It was an incredible day that I will never forget and I will never regret. I married the one that God created for me and together we have become so much closer to Him. There are so many signs that I could write about that pointed us that way but I won't make you all gag. Just know this: I welcome all of life's trials as long as I have Drew by my side.
Onto the mother role that I now have. Throughout the years of friendship that Drew and I had we talked about many things, including what we both wanted out of marriage and life (not knowing that we were talking about our life together). We both wanted kids pretty much right away, we both wanted the mama to stay at home with the kids because in our opinions, that's the way it should be, and we both wanted the daddy to "bring home the bacon" and be the leader of the household. Yes, I have a bachelor's and master's degree and have worked since I was 16, yes, I believe in the power of a woman and that women are incredible, but YES I AM OLD FASHIONED THAT WAY. When we got married it was natural that we wanted children right away but we didn't discuss that with our families...their heads were still spinning from our marriage! We were on a trip at the end of December when I didn't feel so hot...just super tired and not hungry often. On the day before New Years Eve I took a pregnancy test and behold, it was positive! It was a little scary because we were so newly pregnant that the line was almost invisible because it was so faint, but it was there, and we were excited! We only told three close friends at first, for fear that something would happen and we would lose the baby, but 6 weeks later we had an ultrasound and there was that little bean with a strong and healthy heartbeat, ready for us to be it's parents. It was an amazing day that I still smile at when I think of it. That bean turned out to be a 6 lb, 8 oz, 20.5 inch long baby boy born on August 30th, 2008, a week shy of his due date. His name is Sebastian Cobb and he is beautiful. Four months after he was born I had a hot flash and couldn't stop looking at maternity clothes. I took a test and BAM, I was seeing that almost invisible line of early pregnancy again! There were a couple of complications in the beginning that most people don't know about and caused us to have a few more ultrasounds than before, but there it was, our little bug with a healthy, strong heartbeat. That bug turned out to be a 7 lb, 8 oz, 21.5 inch long baby girl born on September 24th, almost two weeks shy of her due day. Her name is Leighlah Diane, and she is also beautiful. They are challenging and whew, they keep me busy, but I wouldn't have it any other way...I'd even keep the fact that they are a week shy of 13 months apart too. Call me crazy but I love my kids! They are blessings from God, and hopefully not the only two (but hey, we are so blessed that if He only gives us two then we are SO grateful!).
Anyhow, I know that's a long blog, but it sets up the premise for the ones to come and they shouldn't be nearly as long! Husband and I are going on a date tonight, the first one in an entire year, and I CANNOT WAIT! :-p
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