Thursday, November 25, 2010
Thanksgiving day
It's been a rough day. I'm so thankful for the many blessings God has given me and I love celebrating it all with a great meal and family time on one of my favorite holidays: Thanksgiving...but I'm just receiving more reminders of our little baby that we lost. I feel as though I should be "over it," but it's still tough. Little reminders...a new person expecting and making their big announcement on facebook (and my own selfish anger that we aren't allowed that, that our announcement of our precious little one was that we lost her), little baby girls and boys on tv and my flat tummy when it should be getting bigger...I guess I just thought it was getting better but then I feel hit with a new wave of sadness that the baby isn't coming. I am truly thankful that we got that short time with our little one, that we got to talk to it and that Drew got to kiss my tummy and tell our baby that we love it so much but I just have tears in my eyes thinking that this Thanksgiving day I should be eating to my heart's content as morning sickness would be just now passing and that I should be wearing maternity pants and a cute top to show off the bump that I would be acquiring. I am so thankful to have God to lean on and I'm thankful that our lives were touched and changed by our little baby but I am more than a little sad that we don't have that little baby to look forward to holding in our arms. I just have to keep remembering that God has His plan and that He is looking out for us. I am so very thankful for the miracle of the two babies that we have because they are beautiful and healthy and full of life and love but I'd be lying if I didn't hope that we are to be blessed with more to love and cherish right there along with S and L. So here's a blog that is dedicated to healing, love and a hope for the future. I can only pray that I will keep the positive outlook that I've tried to hold on to, that I can be happy for others who are blessed with the little lives that they carry and I can remember fondly this short pregnancy and precious life that although we lost, we also learned so much from. Thank you God for giving us that little gift and I love you, my precious, sweet little angel baby!
Monday, November 22, 2010
Love and Memories
So it's been almost six weeks since we lost our baby and I am feeling so very thankful for the healing that God has brought into our lives. I can't speak for Drew, although we share quite a bit and he's experiencing much that I am, but I know that I still have ups and downs. I still see little babies and feel my heart tug at how I should be looking forward to another little one, read about sleepless nights and wish so badly that I would be that sleep deprived again and read about friends feeling their little ones kick them for the first time and it does still hurt. I do know that God is with me though, helping me through it all, giving me peace and comfort when I need it the most. I have so very much to be thankful for and although I miss our little angel baby (that I truly feel was a little girl...don't ask why, I just have that feeling) I am glad that God's will was done with her and that our lives are changing for the better because of it.
All of that being said and done, I have been so nostalgic here recently. I guess it's because I am so content with where my life is right now that I look back on the past to see what has brought me to such a wonderful place. It's definitely been a rocky road filled with bumps, bruises and mistakes that I've made. I was not always someone to be proud of and I did not always make decisisons that were wise. I've acted a fool, I've raised my voice, I've put others ahead of our Lord and Savior and I've definitely hurt myself and others in the process. I also have had those that hurt me in my life, and while some may dwell on those memories as bad and sad, only one word comes to mind when I think of these experiences in my past: FORGIVENESS.
I learned last summer when I was pregnant with baby girl that holding onto the past and not only being angry and bitter with others but also angry and bitter with ourselves is counterproductive. God loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for us, an ugly, lonely and very painful death, so that we could have everlasting life. I know that I couldn't give my son or daughter for someone else, especially someone that hurt me and that is exactly what God did. He loves us SO MUCH that even though we constantly hurt Him by sinning, lying, being selfish and putting our needs and wants above His (and even the best of christians are guilty of this!!!), he FORGIVES US. What an amazing thing, God's forgiveness and grace. Where would any of us be without it? I don't deserve His love and devotion...none of us do! He created us and often we turn our backs on Him for our own selfish motives and agendas. Yet time and time again God is with us, carrying us when we fall, wiping our tears away when we hurt and loving us through the good AND the bad times. I feel such peace when I give him my worries, anxieties and fears. Just a prayer helps give me peace and I certainly don't deserve such devotion from Him yet He gives it to me over and over again.
The point in all of my rambling is that if He can forgive ME, the one that has hurt Him so deeply so many times, then how in the world can I not forgive those that have hurt me? How can I not LOVE them as He loves me??? My goodness, I may have been through tough times but nothing compares to what Jesus went through on the cross so that I may be forgiven. That image in my head of Him bleeding and dying breaks my heart but gives me so much hope that it brings both sad and joyous tears to my eyes. His death on the cross makes it possible for me to be here knowing that salvation is mine thanks to Jesus and it helps me realize that anger, bitterness and guilt over the past all need to be let go and that I need to LOVE my enemies, LOVE my neighbors and LOVE all that are both brothers and sisters in Christ but also those that are lost. I should love them all so much that it breaks my heart if they aren't saved and I should want to lead them to Christ and weep with joy when they see what amazing grace lies in Him and when they Him into their hearts. Isn't it amazing how He can use us for His glory even when we don't know it???
So to everyone in my past, present and future: No matter what you feel for me (love, hate, anger, sadness, happiness, etc) and what we have been through, I FORGIVE you for anything you may have done to harm me and forgive myself for anything that I may have done to harm you. I LOVE YOU, no matter who you are and am THANKFUL for you and your presence in my life. You have made an impact on me, all of you, and have been a part of making me who I am in God's plan. His plan is so amazing and I am thankful that He placed each of you in my life and that no matter what happened between us that He has made our lives more rich and full because of it. I have learned so much from each and every one of you and even if you think that I am angry with you, I am not, and even if you think that I hate you, I never could because there is no room in Christ's love for hatred or anger or bitterness, only love. So again, thank you for being a part of my life and thank you for helping teach me about forgiveness and unconditional love and about being the woman that God would have me to be.
All of that being said and done, I have been so nostalgic here recently. I guess it's because I am so content with where my life is right now that I look back on the past to see what has brought me to such a wonderful place. It's definitely been a rocky road filled with bumps, bruises and mistakes that I've made. I was not always someone to be proud of and I did not always make decisisons that were wise. I've acted a fool, I've raised my voice, I've put others ahead of our Lord and Savior and I've definitely hurt myself and others in the process. I also have had those that hurt me in my life, and while some may dwell on those memories as bad and sad, only one word comes to mind when I think of these experiences in my past: FORGIVENESS.
I learned last summer when I was pregnant with baby girl that holding onto the past and not only being angry and bitter with others but also angry and bitter with ourselves is counterproductive. God loves us so much that He sent His only son to die for us, an ugly, lonely and very painful death, so that we could have everlasting life. I know that I couldn't give my son or daughter for someone else, especially someone that hurt me and that is exactly what God did. He loves us SO MUCH that even though we constantly hurt Him by sinning, lying, being selfish and putting our needs and wants above His (and even the best of christians are guilty of this!!!), he FORGIVES US. What an amazing thing, God's forgiveness and grace. Where would any of us be without it? I don't deserve His love and devotion...none of us do! He created us and often we turn our backs on Him for our own selfish motives and agendas. Yet time and time again God is with us, carrying us when we fall, wiping our tears away when we hurt and loving us through the good AND the bad times. I feel such peace when I give him my worries, anxieties and fears. Just a prayer helps give me peace and I certainly don't deserve such devotion from Him yet He gives it to me over and over again.
The point in all of my rambling is that if He can forgive ME, the one that has hurt Him so deeply so many times, then how in the world can I not forgive those that have hurt me? How can I not LOVE them as He loves me??? My goodness, I may have been through tough times but nothing compares to what Jesus went through on the cross so that I may be forgiven. That image in my head of Him bleeding and dying breaks my heart but gives me so much hope that it brings both sad and joyous tears to my eyes. His death on the cross makes it possible for me to be here knowing that salvation is mine thanks to Jesus and it helps me realize that anger, bitterness and guilt over the past all need to be let go and that I need to LOVE my enemies, LOVE my neighbors and LOVE all that are both brothers and sisters in Christ but also those that are lost. I should love them all so much that it breaks my heart if they aren't saved and I should want to lead them to Christ and weep with joy when they see what amazing grace lies in Him and when they Him into their hearts. Isn't it amazing how He can use us for His glory even when we don't know it???
So to everyone in my past, present and future: No matter what you feel for me (love, hate, anger, sadness, happiness, etc) and what we have been through, I FORGIVE you for anything you may have done to harm me and forgive myself for anything that I may have done to harm you. I LOVE YOU, no matter who you are and am THANKFUL for you and your presence in my life. You have made an impact on me, all of you, and have been a part of making me who I am in God's plan. His plan is so amazing and I am thankful that He placed each of you in my life and that no matter what happened between us that He has made our lives more rich and full because of it. I have learned so much from each and every one of you and even if you think that I am angry with you, I am not, and even if you think that I hate you, I never could because there is no room in Christ's love for hatred or anger or bitterness, only love. So again, thank you for being a part of my life and thank you for helping teach me about forgiveness and unconditional love and about being the woman that God would have me to be.
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