Your Hands

I know that I've been writing about the baby that we lost so much lately but this has been the biggest challenge to my faith and my Christian walk since Drew and I got married and began walking with Christ full time (not just when it suited us). Let me preface this post by saying that I know that it could be worse. I know that my struggles are nothing compared to others but they still hurt nonetheless. It doesn't help to hear that others never could conceive, others have lost more than one baby or lost a baby way farther along in the pregnancy. It doesn't help to hear that my suffering is nothing compared to this situation or that, conception related or not. It still painful and I'm still selfish and want it to feel better- not tomorrow, not in a month or a year but right here and right now. That's my sinful side taking over but it wouldn't be an honest blog about my personal walk with Christ if I never talked about my angry and bitter thoughts, my sadness and my fears and just wrote hopeful words of encouragement. I am a hopeful and positive person in general but even I get down sometimes and have ugly thoughts and feelings. I just have to remind myself that God never said that it would be easy, He just said that He would be there and I know that He's here right now, being ever so patient with me as I feel the things that I am going to blog about tonight. Please, reader, try and be patient with me as well because I promise that it's not all negative and there is a point to my sorrowful and bitter words.

I have this ache. It's the ache of my empty womb that should be filling out right now. It sounds stupid to you but it's an ache that I'm very aware of and that is also taking over my heart. I've always wanted kids, a huge family with tons of love to go around. When Drew and I were dating we both talked about having at least four kids and that hasn't changed. We planned and wanted the angel baby that we lost and when we went through that loss I may have had fleeting thoughts of not trying again or waiting a long time to try and conceive but they were just that: fleeting. Both of us wanted to try again as soon as we were able and the OB said that after one period returned we were fine to work on conceiving again. I'm a healthy woman and my body bounces back well from pregnancy and so it was in great shape to try and have another baby after the loss.

So for that first long, anxiety ridden month after the d&c we used protection and hoped for a future with another little one. When I had my period after the d&c it was a great day because it meant that we could try to get pregnant again. Then I was late for my period this month and took a pregnancy test and just like that, it was faintly positive. I knew I should be scared to get my hopes up but there was that faint pink line and I just felt deep in my heart that I was pregnant again...that line doesn't show up without HcG levels in your body and I had tested a week before I was due to be sure that there was no HcG left from the miscarriage and there hadn't been; therefore, this was from a new surge of pregnancy hormones. I wasn't going to tell Drew but I can't keep secrets from him. He was also excited although a little more reserved because he didn't want to go through another loss. We talked about it and decided that I would test again in another week and see what happens.

Then this morning at church I started to bleed. It was like someone squeezed all of the air out of my lungs and sliced at my heart. It was so painful to me emotionally that I couldn't teach Sunday school...Drew taught our class without me. I was surprised at my composure because I didn't cry right then and there. I waited until after church when we were putting the kids into the car and Drew knew that something was wrong. He hugged me and the floodgates opened. I couldn't even look at the newly pregnant woman at our church that I do admire so much because she's a wonderful Christian. I was too angry to look at her...unfair and wrong, I know, but it was there and it's the raw truth. Then Drew found out that his best friend from high school is also expecting. She's lost a baby too and I have been hoping she would try and get pregnant again and prayed for this regularly yet when he told me today, the day that I started bleeding after a positive pregnancy test, I was angry all over again.

I beat myself up for these thoughts all of the time, although I know that's just as sinful as having them. I know that I need to give it to God and let it go and I have the knowledge that He has a plan but it's so hard to lead my heart down those paths of thinking. Trust me when I say that most days I feel the hope and joy of God's grace and love but today was just not one of those days...it was one of those days where I have to keep telling myself that He loves me (which he does, and I don't deserve that love) and that He has a plan for me that's greater than my own and it's one of those days where I have to work on my faith and trust in God. Today I just wished over and over again that I didn't want a large family, that I didn't feel that pull to be pregnant again and that I didn't feel like I was called to be a mother first and foremost. I wished that Drew and I were like others who only want one or two children, if that, and are completely content in that. If he just blesses us with the two that we have then I know that we are more blessed than we ever deserved but I have that ache and it just doesn't want to go away.

Now here's the part where I let you know that I am working to overcome this anger and bitterness. Satan is trying to win my heart but I won't let him, I just won't. God puts music in my life when I need it. I've always been drawn to music and He always knows what I need to hear and when. This song was posted on facebook for a friend of mine that is battling breast cancer and I thought that it was appropriate for my situation as well. It started playing in the car on the way home from church not thirty minutes after I started bleeding. It's called "Your Hands," and it's by JJ Heller. Here are the lyrics:

I have unanswered prayers
I have trouble I wish wasn't there
And I have asked a thousand ways
That You would take my pain away
That You would take my pain away
I am trying to understand
How to walk this weary land
Make straight the paths that crookedly lie
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
Oh Lord, before these feet of mine
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
When You walked upon the Earth
You healed the broken, lost, and hurt
I know You hate to see me cry
One day You will set all things right
Yea, one day You will set all things right
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands
Your hands
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
Your hands that shape the world
Are holding me, they hold me still
When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
When my heart is breaking
I never leave...
I never leave Your hands

What an amazing song to help me put my feelings into perspective! He is a very loving God and knows my sorrow. He also knows my anger and bitterness and even though my anger and bitterness hurts Him, He still holds me close and lets me know that it will all be okay. I can't help but smile at those thoughts. I am such a frustrating child to Him, I'm sure. I'm so stubborn and want to just control things but I know that He's just going to gently guide me along the way to His path for my life. I know that He is showing me His grace everyday and that these trials are just meant to show me His plan for me and to bring me closer to Him. He loves me more than I can even comprehend and I am so thankful for this life that He has given me, even though it's difficult at times. I know that He will take my pain away and I know that this life is just temporary and that living for Him has great rewards in Heaven...so even if it hurts now, it will be amazing when I'm with him at Home. So I'm going to continue to lean on Him, even when I'm crying tears and aching like I am. I'm going to lean on Him more now than I ever have! I am going to strengthen my relationship with Him, talk to Him more and enjoy His presence in my life even if it's not always easy. He is #1 in my life no matter what and hey, if it means that I have to go through heartbreak and hardships, it's okay. He's carrying me, I'm in His hands and that's more comforting than anything else could be.

So here is my prayer for now:

Show me God, your ways. Show me your plan for me and help me to be patient while it unfolds. Help me through this heartbreak and help me to lean on You in all things. Help me to become a better Christian and help me to use my pain to help witness to others and bring them to You. Help me to feel the Holy Spirit surrounding me and help me to know that You love me, no matter what trials I may face. God please rid my heart and mind of anger, bitterness and selfishness and fill it with love and compassion for others as well as a trust in You that never ends. I love you Lord and thank you Lord for all the many blessings that you have given me. Amen.