Little angel baby

This post is so personal for me to write and probably uncomfortable for others to read but I feel as though if I don't do something to get this out of my system, I'm not sure I'll ever truly cope with it.

It's been a week and a day since husband and I left the kiddos with a babysitter and headed out for an appointment that we thought would be filled with joy but instead was filled with heartbreak and defeat. We both saw what the ultrasound technician saw immediately but we hoped we were wrong. The question, "have you been spotting?" rang in my ears as I answered with a numb, "Not at all." I couldn't believe that there was no heartbeat with our tiny little baby...I couldn't even cry because I was so shocked.

This baby was making me crazy from day 1...how could it not have survived??? We found out labor day weekend on accident that we were expecting. We were in the middle of moving from our townhouse to our new home and my friend was worried that she was pregnant. She didn't want to take a test and so I told her I'd take one with her to make her feel better. Hers was negative but mine was positive. Husband and I were both excited since we were ready for baby #3 and just that month had stopped preventing pregnancy. I went in for an early ultrasound because of the higher risk of complications due to my surgery to remove an IUD that had migrated into my abdomen (sign from God that we weren't meant to control when He gave us precious little gifts??). The ultrasound showed that we were only 4 weeks and 1 day pregnant but that everything was developing perfectly. I was so sick, exhausted, dizzy, and just felt plain PREGNANT. I never took anything for morning sickness with the first two little ones because I just thought I'd deal with it (I despise medicine if it's not 100% necessary) but at 5 weeks pregnant with #3 I BEGGED for them to call me something in because I couldn't handle the sickness as bad as it was.

We told very few people (our parents, the preachers and music minister at church, and our CLOSEST friends) because we've always kept it quiet until the first trimester was over. This baby was making me so sick and I was already growing though and so we decided that after the 8 week ultrasound we'd go ahead and tell everyone because it was going to be hard to hide...and then the news. We lost the baby sometime in the previous week. I was still so sick thanks to the hormones in my body and instead of choosing to pass the baby naturally I decided that I wasn't strong enough to go through that and we opted for a d&c that would take place the next day.

I went home and cried my eyes out...we had so many plans for this baby since we'd had a little over a month to think about how excited we were. We knew how we were going to tell everyone (in fact I had a special shirt to wear to let people figure it out on their own), I thought about how the baby would be kicking me during my solo in the Christmas program, and was so excited and looking foward to the beautiful process of labor and delivery. Everyone thinks that husband and I are crazy because we want such a large family but we just have so much love for each other and our children that we want to share it with little ones that God gave us to raise as His little christian soldiers. And now our plans were destroyed and it felt so much like my fault. I know that's not the way I should be thinking because truly most babies that are lost are lost because of a genetic abnormality that makes the baby not viable but so many questions ran through my head: was it because of the IUD surgery? Was it because I wasn't eating enough or drinking enough water? Was it because I carried the kiddos too much and they're so heavy? Was it because I complained about the morning sickness and swore that we were getting "fixed" after this baby because of it? Had I done ANYTHING that caused this loss or made me deserve such pain?????????? I know logically that this isn't the case and that blaming myself isn't the right thing to do but I can't help but feel so lost and powerless.

The d&c went fine. They were super kind and the obstetrician (that I'd only been to two times before the loss) was great. They put me to sleep and when I woke up it was over. Apparently I woke up from the anesthesia holding my stomach and crying, saying that my baby was gone and I wanted my baby back. Husband said that the nurse was so sad for us and I know that it broke his heart...and I know that he feels just as lost and heartbroken over our loss as I do. I don't think that people quite understand that daddys also hurt over miscarriage. He was just as excited about our tiny baby as I was and therefore was just as hurt when we lost that little thing. He's been so amazing and supportive though that it's only strengthened our relationship.

Then there were the two trips to the ER and the admittance to the hospital for a slight infection from the d&c and a ruptured ovarian cyst. That pain was as much as natural transition in labor and I have a high threshold for pain. I was so doped up that I couldn't even think about coping with what all had happened-I only missed my babies and my husband and knew that hopefully soon they'd get the pain and infection under control and I could go home. So now that I'm home and husband is back to work, it's hit me hard...and I'm not sure how long it's going to hurt like this. Is it supposed to last a long time?

I've read that it takes a woman about three months to grieve for a loss like this. So I have to feel the pain in the pit of my stomach and in my heart that I have for another three months? I have to have tears well up at every kind word and prayer and I have to be sad every time I hear another announcement about a baby or pregnancy? I know that this is illogical and that many many other women have been through this but I can't help but still feel alone. People all over the world (and friends of ours) are going through worse or have suffered greater losses but somehow I let my selfish sinful self feel sad and lonely. I haven't talked to hardly anyone on the phone since last week and I really haven't talked to anyone online. When people want to help I smile and nod but on the inside I just withdraw. Compassion makes me break down and I can't fall apart now, not with a husband and two babies to be strong for...but then when some people that we thought were so important in our lives show no concern for us past the original "I'm sorry for your loss," it hurts even worse.

BUT in the midst of the pain and selfishness I do realize just how blessed God has made me. He has shown me who our real friends are and it's amazing how many people love us. I may have had my feelings hurt by people that I thought were close but are truly just superficial friendships but that's okay, maybe it was time for me to see who is important to have in my life and who it is important to love but keep at a distance (see, that's the selfishness kicking in!). Our family, even with it's problems, for the most part have been extremely supportive. We have a wonderful marriage and God has brought us so much closer through this loss...how can I feel so alone when I have the husband that He created for me to serve Him by my side? Husband has been so incredibly amazing, supportive, and encouraging while allowing me to be the same for him. I feel as though we are both making it through first because of God's grace and love and the belief that He has a plan for us and for that tiny baby, but also because we have leaned on each other and supported each other. We also have two playful, joyful, intelligent and wonderful children that we were blessed with. Their smiles, hugs and kisses are so amazing to me and it's beautiful to me that we have such great children. They are worth any pain that we've been through.

Now for the sunshine in the pain. It may hurt to have lost this baby and it may feel sometimes as though I wish it hadn't happened but truly, through the suffering and through the lonesome times, I have had such a peace about everything. I may be sad and hurting but I have not once feared. I wasn't fearful about the surgery, about the hospital stay or even about what was wrong with me when I was in so much pain. I knew that God was with me, that He was protecting me and guiding me and that He has a plan through this all. We have received so many blessings through the loss! We are closer to each other and got some much needed time together. Husband has a new appreciation for all that I do at home for him and the kids after having to take care of us all, and I have a new appreciation for his devotion to us and to God. My goodness, I couldn't ask for a better family! And then we have such a large extended family that we didn't even know we had. We get so homesick for North Carolina sometimes but we are so blessed here in Georgia too! We have friends that have such deep compassion and love for us that we didn't know was there and the best part is, we have that same compassion and love for them! God has worked in our hearts and in our lives and has shown us so much through this experience! We are closer to Him because of it too. I prayed and prayed through this all and mostly the prayer that I prayed was, "Thank you God for this loss because I know that you are working a much better plan for us than we could have imagined. Hold our little baby close to you and meanwhile help us to draw closer to you as well. I love you Lord and thank you Lord for the many blessings you've given us." I haven't been angry and really, other than a few fleeting thoughts, I haven't begrudged those who are pregnant, have never had a loss like this, or who don't understand. Those thoughts aren't helpful because I know that God is with us and it just wasn't His plan for our little baby to be here in our arms. That's okay with me because I know that no matter what, He has just blessed us beyond what I could have ever expected and with Him, whom or what shall I fear???

So it may hurt but I don't mind the hurt because He is molding me and shaping me into the christian that He would have me to be. I appreciate my husband and children even more now than I did before and if He sees fit to bless us with another tiny baby then I will be grateful for the sickness, the exhaustion, the dizziness and any other pregnancy symptom that would come along with another baby. My witness to others is stronger through this loss and I can now help others see Christ in the pain when they experience something like this. And I can't help but think of one of my favorite Bible verses when I think of our little baby:

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To everything there is a season, A time for every purpose under heaven: A time to be born, And a time to die; A time to plant, And a time to pluck what is planted; A time to kill, And a time to heal; A time to break down, And a time to build up; A time to weep, And a time to laugh; A time to mourn, And a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, And a time to gather stones; A time to embrace, And a time to refrain from embracing; A time to gain, And a time to lose; A time to keep, And a time to throw away; A time to tear, And a time to sew; A time to keep silence, And a time to speak; A time to love, And a time to hate; A time of war, And a time of peace.

So it may be our time to mourn, to weep, to lose but He will also give us a time to laugh, to dance and to gain. I just remember that this season is for a reason and that He is working in our lives through it. What else can I ask for than for Him to guide my life and for me to not to have to try and control or worry? He's in control and that is such an amazing fact that I rely on right now...God is in control and I am thankful!